A New Beginning
by AlwaysKate11
Summary: Beckett finally wakes up after her surgery.   A huge misunderstanding as she wakes up puts a roadblock in her relationship with Castle.  Meanwhile, they also have to deal with changes at the 12th.  Spoiler alert from Season 3 finale.
1. Chapter 1

**A New Beginning**

**Chapter One**

**At** the hospital, Beckett was lying in the hospital bed where she had remained unconscious since her surgery following the shooting five days ago. A disheveled looking Castle was asleep in a chair across the room. He woke up when he heard her mumbling and starting to stir. He jumped up out of the chair and went to stand by the bed, hoping she was starting to finally wake up. He looked around and almost shyly leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "Hey Kate, it's Castle. I'm here."

He saw that she had deep frown lines between her closed eyes. What he couldn't see was that she was not actually waking up, but was re-living the scene in the airplane hangar when he was about to pick her up and carry her away from the Captain. Getting more agitated she said, "Go away, Castle. Leave me alone. Please!" Castle, falsely assuming that Beckett was aware of her surroundings and of his presence, looks hurt and moves back from the bed. As he does, the nurse on duty comes quickly into the room to check her vitals. Shooting Castle an irritated look she said, "You are upsetting the patient. You're going to have to leave." With one last puzzling look back, he left the room.

**Meanwhile****, **at Castle's house, Martha was sitting on the couch in the living room practicing lines for an upcoming audition. Alexis came in and sat down next to her with a loud sigh.

Martha stopped and said to Alexis, "Darling, what's wrong? You look upset."

"It's Dad. I'm really worried about him. He spends almost all of the time at the hospital and when he is here, he just sits around moping."

She patted Alexis' leg reassuringly. "Your dad is going through a hard time right now, but don't you worry. Beckett will be up on her feet in no time and things will be back to normal."

"But that's just it. I don't know if I want things to be back to normal. Dad could have been killed Gram. If those men had found him with her at that hanger, and then at the funeral- when he tried to push her out of the way when that gun went off..." she had to stop because her voice was shaking so badly.

Martha leaned over to hug her close. "I know sweetheart, I know. When I think of what could have happened..." She shuddered before going on. "But it didn't. Your father is fine. It's over."

"This time. But what about next time? As long as he is with her, he will always be in danger. He'll never be safe."

Martha smiled knowingly. "Sometimes there are more important things than being 'safe' you know. He won't leave her. And he shouldn't. She's good for him."

Alexis frowned. "She doesn't seem good for him. Even before the shooting it seems like he had been upset a lot, always worrying about her. Don't get me wrong, I hope she's going to be okay, but I kind of wish she would go away."

**Over**at the 12th, Ryan, Esposito and Castle were sitting around talking. Esposito had his feet up on the desk.

"So how is she doing, man?" Esposito asked.

"Okay, I guess. I just left the hospital. She is starting to wake up." He looked away remembering how she had told him to leave her alone.

Ryan smiled. "Well, if I know Beckett she'll be back to work in a month."

"I hate to break up this little tea party, but shouldn't you all be working?"

They looked up to see a woman standing there staring at them. Dressed in a dark suit, she had a stern, no-nonsense look on her face.

Esposito said, "Can we help you?"

The woman crossed her arms in front of her chest. "As a matter of fact, you can. I'm Ms. Tomlin. The new Captain."

Esposito's feet hit the floor with a thump and they all quickly stood up. Ryan and Esposito introduced themselves. She looked at Castle and raised her eyebrows. "And you must be Mr. Castle."

They all snickered. He held out his hand and said, in a deeper voice than normal, "Yes Ma'am. Mr. Castle, at your service."

She looked at him, ignoring his outstretched hand. "I hear that you have been a fixture here for the past few years. I don't know in what capacity-"

"Well I've-" he interrupted.

"But" she said over him, "your services will no longer be required."

Ryan and Esposito started to protest but she just turned around and walked away, going into her office and shutting the door behind her. They all looked at each other shocked.

**The**next day, Josh and the nurse on duty were in the room with a still unconscious Beckett discussing her progress. Reviewing her chart, Josh seemed happy with the results. To the nurse he said "She's doing great. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't wake up today or tomorrow."

The nurse nodded. "She seems like she was in great shape. I bet she will be out of here in a month."

Josh smiled. "You don't know Kate. I bet she'll be out of her in two weeks." The nurse smiled back and walked out, leaving Josh alone in the room with Beckett. He was putting her chart onto the end of her bed when he noticed her moving around. He went and sat next to her. Again, she was re-living a time from her not-so-distant past. This time it was when she was lying on the ground right after being shot. She heard Castle say "I love you. I love you, Kate." She opened her eyes and looked directly at Josh but in her mind, she 'saw' Castle. She reached up and took his face in her hands and said, "I love you." Neither of them noticed, but Castle was standing in the door to the hospital room. He saw her holding Josh's face and heard her declaration of love. Looking stricken, he quickly walked away without letting anyone know he was there. Josh looked at her strangely as she slipped back into a deep sleep.

**Back**at his place later, Castle was sitting by the fireplace drinking a glass of scotch. Martha came in and saw him. "Oh Richard, darling you're home! How's Kate?"

"Good. She's doing good. She is awake, and talking."

Martha looked at him closely. "Well if she is doing so well, why the long face?"

Before he could answer, Alexis came bounding into the room and sat down next to him on the couch. "Hi Dad. How's Beckett?"

He gave her a small smile. "Better. She's doing better."

Martha said, "Your father was just getting ready to tell me why, if she is doing better, he looks so glum."

He hesitated but then decided to fill them in. "A couple of days ago, she woke up briefly. But she didn't want to see me. Actually, she told me to go away and leave her alone. Then when I finally decided to go back, she was with Josh."

"Well of course she was with Josh. He is, after all, her doctor," Martha said.

"You know he's more than just her doctor. They've been dating. And I heard her tell him that she loves him."

Martha shook her head. "No, you must have not heard correctly. Anyone with eyes can see how she feels about you. I can tell you, she is _not_ in love with Josh."

"No mother, that's what you see because that's what you want to see. She wants me to leave her alone, and I can't blame her. This whole thing was my fault."

"What!" she said loudly. "Richard, what on earth are you talking about? What happened was in no way your fault. Why would you even think that?"

"Think about it. What if I hadn't carried her away that day? What if we all stayed and fought those men together. Maybe the Captain wouldn't have died. And if he didn't die, there would be no funeral. And if there was no funeral, Beckett wouldn't be lying helpless in a hospital bed with a hole in her chest!" He got up and started pacing.

Alexis jumped up and ran to hug her father. "No Dad. This is not your fault. It was hers. You tried to get her to let it go, but she wouldn't. If you hadn't carried her away, Captain Montgomery would be dead, she would be dead, and maybe you too. She was selfish. This was her fault, not yours."

Castle smiled down at Alexis and hugged her tighter. "What would I do without you?" He opened his arms up and motioned for Martha to join them. Hugging them both, he said, "I love you very much. Thank you."

Martha responded with, "We love you too, darling. So much."

He leaned back so he could look at both of them. "Well it's a good thing, because you are going to be seeing a lot more of me. Let me tell you about the new Captain..."

**The**next morning, at the hospital, Beckett started to finally wake up fully. Josh is there.

"Hey there sleepy head. You're awake! How are you feeling?"

She looked around the room. "Like I was hit by a truck. What happened?"

Josh frowned. "Don't you remember? You were shot." He watched her closely as it all started to come back to her.

"The funeral. Roy." She closed her eyes for a moment, collecting her thoughts. "So how bad is it?"

He sat down on the side of the bed. "Well, not good. But it could have been worse. The bullet missed your heart by an inch. It was touch and go for a while there. You probably would have been dead, but somehow Castle figured out what was going to happen and pushed you. It caused the bullet to miss its mark."

"Castle! Was he... was he hit?" The idea made her sick to her stomach.

Josh patted her hand. "No. No he wasn't hit. He's fine." He saw her look around again. "He's not here."

Josh cleared his throat. "Um. Before you woke up you, um. Wow, how do I put this? You told me that you loved me."

She looked very uncomfortable as she searched for the right words. "Josh, I-"

"It's okay Kate. I know you didn't mean me. You love him? Castle?"

"To be honest, I don't know how I feel exactly. I'm so sorry Josh, but I don't think it's fair for us to keep going the way we are when I'm feeling so...

He grabbed her hand. "Really. It's okay. I've known for a while that things weren't going to work out with us. I was just waiting for you to figure it out. You look tired. Why don't you try to get some sleep."

More for the opportunity to process what had just happened than to get sleep, she nodded in agreement and shut her eyes.

A few minutes later, Beckett could sense that someone else had entered the room. Figuring it must be Castle, she pretended to be asleep for another minute while she tried to calm her racing heart. She opened her eyes and smiled. Her smile faded just a bit when she saw Alexis in the doorway instead of Castle.

"Alexis, hi." Looking around she asked "Did your dad bring you here?"

"No. He's not with me."

Beckett patted the bed beside her. "Well I'm glad to see you. Come sit down."

Alexis crossed her arms and stayed in the doorway. "No thanks, I'm fine."

Becket sensed that there was something wrong. "Are you mad at me?"

Alexis blurted out, "My dad was almost killed because of you! He would have been killed if those men had found him with you. And he was almost shot trying to save you."

Beckett looked stunned by her outburst. "I know. I'm so sorry."

Alexis continued as if she hadn't spoken. "When my dad first starting hanging out at the station with you, I thought it was great. He was writing and having fun. He seemed really happy. But he hasn't been happy for a long time. And now, because of you, he's a mess. You could have walked away from this last case. But you wouldn't. He had to watch you get shot. He thought you were dead! And what about next time? Will he be the one to get shot next time? As long as he is with you, he will never be safe.

"Alexis-"

"No. Hear me out. He won't walk away from you. You know he won't. But if he means anything to you... if you care about him at all, you have to let him go. Please!" Alexis, fought back tears, running out of the room.

Beckett too is had to fight back tears as she tried to take in everything Alexis said. She lay back down and turned over, letting the tears roll down her cheeks into the pillow.

**Meanwhile****, **back at the 12th, Ryan and Esposito were discussing the new Captain.

"This is not good, bro. Not good at all," said Esposito shaking his head.

Ryan nodded in agreement. "How serious do you think she is? I mean, she can't just come in here and get rid of Castle like that can she?"

Esposito shrugged. "I don't know. Hey, maybe we should try to talk to the Mayor?"

"I have a feeling she doesn't care what anyone says. Even the Mayor. No, what we need is a plan." They smiled at each other as they both thought the same thing.

A few minutes later, the new Captain walked over to them and dropped a file on the desk. "We have a case, gentlemen."

Ryan picked up the file and started to flip through it. "You know, with Beckett in the hospital that leaves us a little short -handed. Maybe Castle could step in just until she's back?"

Esposito quickly chimed in, "That would be very helpful."

The Captain looked from one to the other. "Are you trying to tell me that you are not capable of solving this without a tag-along mystery writer? Because if that's what you are trying to say..."

They both jumped up, assuring her that they could handle the case. She nodded and walked away.

They grabbed the file and left the building. As soon as they were out of ear shot, Esposito pulled out his cell phone and made a call.

Twenty minutes later, they were standing at a crime scene looking down at a dead body. From behind them, they heard a male voice say, "Hello boys. You rang?" They turned around to see Castle smiling at them from behind a pair of dark sunglasses, looking like he was ready for business. They smiled back.

"Let's get to work."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Beckett **was sitting up in her hospital bed when Lanie walked in.

"Girl, you are looking better and better! How are you feeling?"

"Sick of being in this bed. Antsy as hell. I just want to get out of here and get back to work."

"Well hold that thought. Haven't you heard about the new Captain over at the 12th?"

"No." She looked away sadly, thinking of Roy. "What's he like?"

"_She _is all business. Tough. Not much fun at the 12th these days I'm afraid."

Beckett smiled. "I'll bet Castle is giving her a run for her money."

"Oh, Castle didn't tell you? She kicked him to the curb. Said she doesn't need his 'services'. Like I said. Tough. Speaking of Castle, how's our boy doing?"

She looked away again. "I wouldn't know. He hasn't been here. I haven't even heard from him."

Lanie looked surprised. "What? That doesn't sound like the Richard Castle I know. Did I miss something?"

"I don't know. I don't remember everything clearly from the last few days before the shooting, but I know that he was angry at me when I didn't drop the case with Lockwood. And I guess he was right. It almost got me killed. And worse, it almost got him killed. And Roy..." Her eyes began to tear up thinking about Roy. "I guess he figured a relationship with a hard-headed cop wasn't work the risk. I can't say that I blame him."

"Uh,uh. I don't believe that. He's crazy about you Beckett. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe _you_ need to be calling _him?"_

Beckett forced herself to keep her voice steady as she said, "You know, I think it's best if we both just go our separate ways."

Lanie looked at her like she had lost her mind. "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

Beckett faked a yawn. "I'm getting pretty tired, Lanie. I think my pain medicine is kicking in."

Lanie took the hint and left. Beckett lay in the bed, wide awake, wondering why Castle hadn't been there to see her.

**Over **at the precinct, Ryan and Esposito were standing at the white board talking about a new case, while the Captain stood watching them work. They bounced some ideas around, writing facts on the board until she finally walked away and disappeared into her office. As soon as she was gone, Esposito pulled out a walkie talkie. "The eagle has left the nest. I repeat, the eagle has left the nest." He shared a smile with Ryan just as Castle came strutting around the corner with a box of donuts and a drink carrier sporting 3 coffees. "So, what have we got?" They all took out a donut and made a mock toast with them.

Ryan and Esposito filled him in on the case and they started running theories. After they had some leads to follow up on, Ryan said to Esposito, "Okay, we're gonna go run the financials. Castle, you and Bec... Oh. Um, you wait here and we'll be back." They walked away. Castle looked over at Beckett's empty desk sadly.

Esposito looked over his shoulder at Castle as they walked away. "Bro, this is not gonna work. The man needs a partner." They both looked at each other and slowly smiled. In unison they said "Roger". As if just waiting for their call, Roger came running up to them. Kind of geeky looking, Roger was fresh out of the academy, over eager and full of energy. They put their arms around his shoulders and said, "We have the opportunity of a lifetime for you, Roger."

Castle was still standing in the main room looking at the board alone when he heard the door open to the Captain's office. He quickly dropped down behind the desk and started to duck walk away. He went back and reached up from under the desk to grab a donut, snuck over to hide behind a tall plant, then stood up and went around the corner with his back flat against the wall with exaggerated 'spy' walk. He slipped out the door. The Captain walked over to the empty board and looked around before grabbing a donut and walking back to her office.

He smiled at his clever escape and had begun to walk down the street when he heard someone yelling "Castle! Castle! Over here!" He turned around and saw a young police officer waving at him with both arms over his head. "Wait for me!" He ran up and shook Castle's hand vigorously. When he finally found his voice, Castle asked, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Oh. Sorry. I'm Roger. Your new partner. Didn't Ryan and Esposito tell you?"

"Um, no. It must have slipped their minds. But listen, no offense, but I really don't need a partner."

"Of course you do. At least until your old partner comes back. If she comes back." When he saw the look on Castle's face he quickly said, "When. When she comes back. Until then, you've got me. I'm an intern here at the 12th. I'm so excited. I hear that you are a mystery crime writer. That is sooo cool. I can't wait to read all of your books. You know I wrote a story once. It was about bugs. Got an A on it too. I was in the 5th grade, no wait maybe it was the 4th grade. No, it definitely was the 5th grade. I remember because my best friend Doogie was-"

"Stop!" Castle yelled holding up both hands. He couldn't listen to another minute. "I appreciate you wanting help. I really do. But I'm not even supposed to be here. If the Captain finds out, you might get into trouble and-"

"I know! They told me this has to be a secret. Our secret. Hey, we can be like undercover agents! Maybe we can have code names and everything. Oh my gosh, we could write a book about us. You could do that right? And maybe it would be made into a movie. I wonder who would play me..." Roger looked up from his musing and realized that Castle had walked away and was turning the corner. He yelled, "Okay. Well, I'll see you later. It was nice meeting you 'partner'!" before he walked back into the building.

**Back **at the hospital, Josh walked in to see Beckett sitting up working on her laptop.

"Well, you are looking much better. How's the pain? Are they keeping it under control?"

"Yep. Feeling much better. In fact, I think I'm ready to go home."

Josh laughed. "Not so fast. You have to go slow, Kate. Give your body time to heal." When he saw her sad look he said, "How about we go for a short walk on the floor?"

Before he could even think about changing his mind, she threw back the covers and swung her legs over the side of the bed. He put his arm around her back and slowly helped her stand. The pain exploded inside of her body, taking her breath away. Josh noticed and said, "Maybe we should wait one more day."

"No. No, I'm okay. Really. Let's go." She slowly took some steps with him holding onto her tightly. The pain was almost overwhelming. It felt as if her insides were being ripped open. Being Beckett, she pushed on, past the pain and the fear that was starting to creep in as she realized just how hard the next few days and weeks were going to be. She felt grateful that Josh was being so nice to her. She knew that he should be really mad, but he didn't appear to be. It was good to have a friend help her through this.

Despite her gratefulness to Josh, she couldn't help but wish that it was Castle helping her. Just thinking of his hands holding her up was enough to distract her from the pain. She could really use his goofy sense of humor right about now to help her cope. Anger at his continued absence started to flare up, giving her new strength to fight through the pain.

"Don't worry, you start physical therapy tomorrow. You were in excellent physical shape when you were shot. You'll regain your strength before you know it. You just have to be patient."

When she finally lay back down, she was shocked again at the level of pain and how physically tired she was from such a short walk. She was asleep almost before her head hit the pillow.

**If** it was humor Beckett was looking for, she would have gotten her wish if she could see what was going on over at the 12th. Ryan and Esposito couldn't keep from bursting into laughter when Castle came storming in the following morning.

"Hey," Ryan asked. "Where's your new best friend?"

"_Hey, where's your new best friend,_" Castle repeated mockingly, sending them into fresh gales of laughter. He just glared at them. "I thought you guys were my friends. Why'd you have to sic Roger on my like that?"

Esposito said, "We felt sorry for you, sitting alone like that. Figured you needed someone to work with you while Beckett is recovering. Speaking of Beckett, how is she?"

"Great. She's doing great. I just called the hospital and they said that she was up walking and she starts physical therapy later this afternoon."

"Yes! That is awesome news. I can't wait until she's back."

In attempt to change the subject, Castle rubbed his hands together and said, "Let's get started. I've got some ideas." For the next several minutes, they talked about the case. All of a sudden, Castle's eyes lit up as he made a critical connection between the victim and the suspect. He shared his theory and they all agreed that they might have a huge break in the case. Ryan and Esposito ran off to run down some facts.

A few minutes later, he saw Roger coming down the hallway. He quickly ducked into an empty office. "What am I doing?" he asked himself. Hiding in an office, trying to avoid boy wonder and the new Captain was amusing, but he was starting to wonder if it was enough. As he started to sneak out of the office he saw the Captain standing by Ryan and Esposito, listening as they told them 'their' theory. She looked impressed and he could hear her tell them to keep up the good work. He smiled and gave himself a pat on the back. "Good work, Castle" he told himself.

Suddenly he felt so alone. He sat down at the empty desk in the office he was hiding in. It occurred to him that other than his summer in the Hamptons, this was the longest he had gone without talking to Beckett in three years. Obviously, she blamed him for the Captain's death and her being shot. He told himself that if he had it to do over, he would have done it again. Her being alive was worth it, even if she never spoke to him again.

He remembered the night the Captain was shot vividly. How she struggled in his arms like a wild animal while he ran with her in his arms. How she cried and begged him to stop. How he held her in his arms and did his best to comfort her. How she nearly collapsed hearing the gunshots. He had felt so connected with her, almost like they were one person. He wanted to just absorb all of her pain, take it all away. And then she was gone, running through the empty lot towards the Captain's lifeless body. Away from him. She was still running.

He had hoped that she would call him. Had hoped she would give him any clue that she still wanted a relationship with him, even if it was just as friends and partners. He'd take anything right now. He left her alone because he didn't want to interfere with her recover in any way, and any stress could be a setback for her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**As **days at the precinct without Beckett turned into weeks, Castle found himself in a new routine. Not sleeping well, he was often up before dawn working on his new novel. It wasn't going so well, due to his inability to focus. By 8:00 he was usually at the 12th continuing to play cat and mouse with both the Captain and Roger.

Ryan and Esposito seemed to be having a little too much fun at his expense. Their favorite past-time seemed to be yelling "Hey there, Roger!" when he wasn't actually there, just to see Castle's reaction. He tried not to give one, but wasn't always successful.

Roger continued to follow him around like a puppy dog. Luckily, Castle soon discovered that Roger actually was capable of being helpful. He could locate almost anything on the computer in record time. He began giving him these types of tasks as often as possible. At first just to keep him occupied and out of his hair, but then he began giving him tasks that really did help with the cases.

Castle, always the observant one, quickly figured out the Captain's routine and did a pretty good job of staying hidden from her. Of course there were a few close calls. One of which ended up with him in the ladies room, hiding in a bathroom stall. His personal favorite was when he wound up looking for a file in her office and ended up hiding in her closet for an hour and ½ when she came back unexpectedly early.

As for the cases, they seemed to get a new one two or three times a week. Castle would often stand at the board doing what the boys called his 'Beckett' impersonation. He was good at finding connections between suspects and victims and Ryan and Esposito were great at following up on leads. With Roger on the computer, they actually managed to solve many of them. Sadly, a large handful were still in the unsolved pile. That pile made it clear that Beckett was a very important member of the team and without her, it just wasn't the same. No doubt about it, Detective Beckett was good at what she did.

**Beckett** was also settling into a new 'normal'. She had been home for a week and was going stir crazy. She tried to work out two or three times a day, but found herself very frustrated when her body refused to cooperate. The pain was slowly going away, but she was still so easily tired and weak, and there was nothing she hated more than feeling weak. She was hoping desperately to be released to go back to work, but Josh wouldn't even release her to drive, let alone work a case. Having so much spare time left too much time for serious thinking. Serious thinking always came around to the same thought. Castle. She wondered what he was doing now that he was banned from the 12th. Was he sitting around writing? Or back to being the playboy she knew he could be? That thought was often enough to get her adrenaline pumping enough to complete a short work out on the punching bag.

The fact that he still hadn't stopped by to see her, hurt a little more every day. Not being one to focus on hurt, she allowed it to manifest as anger, which for some reason was easier for her to tolerate. If she hadn't made herself a promise to leave him alone, she would go see him and give him a piece of her mind. But she had and she was sticking to it. "Who needs him anyway?" she said out loud to herself. Just then there was a knock at the door. She jumped up and smoothed down her shirt and checked to see what her hair was doing. Conscious that she didn't have any make up on, she almost didn't answer the door. She found herself holding her breath as she turned the door knob.

"Hey there stranger. How's it going?"

"Oh. Josh. Hey. Come on in." She let out the breath she was holding. _"Really", _she thought to herself, "_did you really think it was Castle? Get a grip Beckett!"_

"You don't look very happy to see me. Were you expecting someone else?"

"No. No, of course not. Sit down. Can I get you a drink or anything?"

"No thanks. I just stopped by to check out your dressing and see how you are holding up." He sat down next to her on the couch and gently peeled the bandage off of her chest. He gave her a big smile. "It looks great. No sign of infection. Any pain?"

"Nope. Well a little twinge here and there, but nothing big."

He looked around at the work out equipment. "Yeah, maybe when you are working out perhaps?"

She smiled at him sheepishly. "Getting stronger every day. Just waiting for a certain doctor to give me the okay to go back to work." She was amazed at how easily they had slipped out of 'in-a-relationship' mode into 'friend' mode. She was grateful they had. She could use all of the friends she could get these days.

He put a clean bandage over her healing wound and looked at her thoughtfully. "Tell you what. You keep going the way you are going and I think I will let you going back next week." She jumped up and gave him a hug.

"Only a desk job" he clarified.

She gave him a mock angry face. Truth was, she would be happy at a desk job if it got her out of the apartment and into the 12th. It was the closest thing to home and she missed it. She let a smile back on her face. "Thank you Josh. For everything. You've been great." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and let himself out.

She sat there and marveled at her complete lack of romantic feelings for Josh. Here he had practically had her out of her shirt to check her wound, kissed her on the cheek, and nothing. She smiled to herself. "_Going back to work. Yes_!" Her excitement died a little when she thought of how different it was going to be when she went back. A new Captain. And no Castle.

**Meanwhile****, **at home, Castle was doing what he did when he was home in the evenings now. Sit in front of the t.v. flipping channels aimlessly, trying to keep his mind occupied. He wasn't even aware that he was the topic of conversation between his mother and daughter, although they were just on the other side of the room.

Martha looked worried. "I have never seen your father like this Alexis. I mean look at him. Just sitting around. Moping. Your father is not a moper. Do you know that just the other day I threatened to run off with the mailman to Vegas and he just told me to have fun!"

Alexis looked worried too. Not to mention a little guilty. As she sat and watched him, she couldn't help but feel largely responsible for his misery. Going to talk to Beckett seemed like such a good idea in the heat of the moment, but now she was afraid she had made a big mistake. She went over to the couch and sat next to him, turning off the television.

"Can I talk to you Dad?"

"Of course. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why does something have to be wrong for a daughter to want to talk to her father?" When he didn't reply, she went on to ask him about how things were going with the new Captain. "Has she caught you yet?"

He gave her a small smile. "Not yet. I'm pretty good at eluding her. I'm like a ghost."

She smiled. "It sounds fun. Hiding and sneaking around. How's Roger?"

"Roger is Roger. Annoying. Always under foot. But surprisingly good at what he does."

"What about the crime solving. That must be exciting, solving all those crimes without relying on Beckett." She could have kicked herself when she saw his smile fade when she mentioned Beckett. It occurred to her that she was doing her best to find all of the positives in his life so she wouldn't feel so bad about encouraging Beckett to stay away.

"You know, it does feel good. Kind of. I mean, finding justice for people who have been murdered. For their families. That feels incredible. Before, I knew that without me, they would still get the bad guys, Beckett made sure of that. Now I feel like I am an important part of solving a lot of these cases. You can't imagine how that makes me feel. Then I see Ryan and Esposito and even Roger getting kudos from the Captain while I'm off somewhere stuck hiding in a potted plant. I know in my heart that the important part is finding closure for the families and solving the case, but a little recognition wouldn't hurt. I don't know. Maybe this isn't where I need to be anymore. I'm not sure where I need to be."

Alexis was heartbroken to see her dad so down. She gave him another quick hug and quickly ran upstairs. He knew her very well and it wouldn't be hard for him to see how upset she was if she stuck around, and she didn't want to add to his pain.

**The **next day at the 12th, Castle was thinking hard about the conversation he had had with Alexis the night before. Ryan and Esposito were trying to get started on a new case, having to work hard to keep his mind on the task at hand. He was so distracted, in fact, that when Esposito called out 'The eagle is in the nest!' he didn't pay any attention. Luckily Roger was on top of things and distracted the Captain long enough for them to get Castle stuffed under the desk. At this point he was usually trying not to laugh outright at how dense the new Captain was to have him right under her nose all the time. As he sat there with his legs cramping up he thought to himself "_I'm done. This is ridiculous. What am I thinking?" _He knew what he as thinking. He was thinking that this place was his link to Beckett and he was doing whatever he could to keep that connection. Once he came to the realization of what he was doing, he realized that he really was done. What else was he going to do? Keep sneaking around the precinct like a burglar? And what about when Beckett came back? Was he going to have to hide from her too? "_I'm a grown man for Pete's sake. A grown man. An accomplished writer. A father. And here I am curled up under a desk like a criminal."_

Meanwhile, the Captain had joined Ryan, Esposito and Roger at the crime board, which was uncharacteristically empty. She looked at all of them and said, "In my office. Now." She started to walk away and without even turning around she shouted out "You too Castle!" They all stopped in their tracks and turned around to watch Castle drag himself out from under the desk and begin to limp his way to the office, not able to feel his legs after sitting like that for so long. "_Well," _he thought to himself, "_finally caught. I guess it's a good thing that I was ready to quit this charade."_

They all sat down in front of the Captain's desk. She just sat there silently for a minute looking at them. Esposito looked like he was ready to explode. Ryan looked like he might cry. Roger was nervously tapping his feet so loudly that Castle gave serious thought to smacking him. Castle of course was busy trying to read the Captain's expression. He found that he had no clue what she might be thinking. He did know that her silence most likely was leading up to a stern reprimand for all of them. He was shocked when she suddenly broke her silence with almost uncontrollable laughter. They all sat there stunned while she wiped at the tears that ran down her face as she finally pulled herself together. "I'm sorry," she said as she saw their anxious faces. "You look like a bunch of kids sent to the principal's office waiting to be punished. The looks on your faces were priceless." She looked like she might fall into a fit of laughter again, but instead took a deep breath and got on with business.

"First of all" she said, "I want to make it clear that I was aware of your presence here, Mr. Castle, from the beginning. So if you think for a minute that you were pulling the wool over my eyes, you can think again. I had been warned about you and was sure you wouldn't give up without a fight. I was right."

Castle looked at her skeptically. "It's true" she insisted. "Day one was the donuts. Then there was hiding behind the plant, behind the garbage can, the empty corner office, several times behind the white board, the ladies room- this drew snickers from the other guys- and then, of course, my closet." She crossed her arms daring him to deny it.

He smiled at her. "I have to say I am kind of relieved. I was worried about a Captain that was so unaware of things going on in her own building. What made you decide to tell us that you were on to us?"

She looked at the other guys and asked them to give her a moment alone with Castle. They gave him a good luck sign and left the office. He was pretty sure this was where she told him that the fun was over and he needed to move on. For real this time.

She got up and sat on the edge of her desk. "I decided to bring you in here because I could see that you were no longer effectual. You were distracted and basically not doing anything today. I thought maybe you were getting tired of watching everyone around you get the credit while you were left sneaking around. I'm right aren't I?" she said when she saw the look on his face. "Before I became a Detective, and then a Captain, I was a profiler. Do you know what a profiler is, Mr. Castle?"

"Sure. It's someone who uses the clues around him or her to figure out where the perpetrator is coming from. Uses them to make a profile of them. What they look like, their interests, where they may hang out. Where they might strike next. Even their age, ethnicity."

"Exactly. They get inside their head and use that knowledge to get ahead of them and hopefully stop them. Sadly we don't have a profiler here on staff." She paused and looked him in the eyes. "I was wondering if maybe you would be interested."

It took him a minute to realize what she had said and that she appeared serious.

"You want me to be a profiler. Here. You mean officially?"

"Officially."

"So basically, I would continue to do what I do now, but without having to sneak around."

"Basically, yes. That is what you would do."

"Would I get a badge" he joked.

"Yes."

"You're serious? You are offering me a job. As a police profiler?"

"I am. You would need some more specific training, but I can tell that you have a natural talent for profiling. Your writing background has worked in your favor, giving you an almost uncanny insight to the minds of the criminal psyche. So what do you say?"

It was rare for Castle to feel speechless, but she had done the trick. She was offering him a job. Here. As a part of the team. As a police profiler. He couldn't believe he was actually considering it. It seemed perfect. He could still write. As a matter of fact, he thought suddenly, police profiling could lead to a great new series. For the first time in weeks he started to feel alive again. Like maybe he was just where he needed to be after all. Later the implications of what this may mean in his relationship, or lack thereof, with Beckett would mean would set in, but for now he was excited about this new turn of events.

As he started to walk out of the Captains office, he looked back at her. "I get paid for this? Right?" She laughed and he walked out of the office anxious to tell the guys the news.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Alexis **was surprised to hear her father whistling as she came down the stairs the following morning. He only whistled when he was in a very good mood. There hadn't been any whistling for a very long time in the Castle house.

"Good morning, sweetheart. Pancakes?"

"Good morning. Dad, is everything okay?"

"Of course, why do you ask?"

"I don't know. You seem... happy this morning."

"I am. I am happy this morning. I have news. Where's your grandmother?"

"Not sure. I think she may have had a 'sleepover' at a friend's house last night."

He looked a bit disappointed. "Oh. I wanted to share the good news with both of you, but you will have to do."

She smiled. "Gee, thanks."

"I got a job."

"A job. You mean besides writing? Where? Doing what?"

"You are looking at the newest member of the NYPD. I am now an official police profiler. Cool, right. I get to do what I have been doing. But now I will be paid to do it. And no sneaking around. I even get a badge."

"What? How did that happen? When did it happen? And yes Dad. Very cool."

"I know right!" He told her all about what had happened the day before and how the job offer had come about.

"Dad, I think this is great, but you know I have to ask. Are you taking this job because you want it, or because it will keep you close to Beckett?"

"You know, I think that even if I knew Beckett wasn't coming back eventually, I would still love this job. The thrill I get when I solve a real crime, helping real people, is so great. I love writing, and I plan on continuing to write, but the last three years have changed me. I don't know how I would cope with not heading over to the 12th on a regular basis. As for Beckett, I try not to think too much about it. It's obvious how she feels, since I haven't heard from her. I don't know. I guess we'll figure it out somehow." He looked at his watch and said "Ooh. Gotta go. Don't want to be late for my first day of my new job." He gave Alexis a kiss on the top of her head and headed out the door.

**At **her place, Beckett was in a pretty good mood herself. Although she wasn't allowed to go back to work quite yet, she was planning on stopping by the precinct later today to meet the new Captain and talk about how she was going to re-enter the work place. She was itching to get back to solving crimes. She felt a mixture of happy excitement and anxiousness at the same time. She had seen Ryan and Esposito a couple of times when they stopped by the hospital to check on her, but going back to the 12th after all this time was going to feel a little strange.

She was anxious to check out the new Captain. That was going to be the hardest hurdle. She knew that for a long time, every time she saw her it was going to remind her of Roy. And of course, she couldn't help but think of how different things were going to be without Castle there.

She had decided that his not being there was a good thing. Seeing him daily and keeping her distance was not a situation she felt emotionally prepared to deal with. She decided to do a quick work out to try and work off some of her nervousness before going in. Besides, she needed to build up her strength. She didn't plan on staying on desk duty for long.

**Castle **was still whistling as he walked into the 12th. It felt good walking in and greeting everyone as part of the team again. He was immediately approached by the Captain.

"Good morning, Mr. Castle. Come with me, please."

He followed her to the old corner office where he had hidden out so many times during the last couple of weeks. Only now, the office was cleaned up and had a computer sitting on a new desk. When he saw the name plate on the desk that said 'Richard Castle', his jaw nearly hit the ground. He looked at her with a puzzled look.

"What, you don't like your office?"

"I didn't realize I was getting my own office. Is this a joke?"

"No. Contrary to yesterday's laugh fest, I rarely joke. And never about work. As a profiler you will continue to work with the team, but there may be times when you need to work on separate additional information in order to narrow down your profile. You should have everything you need here. Oh, you're signed up for an on-line profiling webinar next week. Over here are resource books that have a lot of data and statistics that you should familiarize yourself with as soon as possible. You still have a lot to learn. See me if you have any other questions."

She walked out of the office leaving a stunned Castle alone at his desk. "_My desk," _he thought to himself. "_My office." _As a writer, he had a desk and office in his home, but it seemed very different to have his own desk and office in a place of business. He was both humbled and grateful for this opportunity. He was determined to take the job seriously, so he grabbed a book and started researching his new job.

Over at the board, the Captain met with Ryan, Esposito and Roger. She was filling them in on Castle's new position and how it would fit in with their jobs. Her first weeks on the job, it was important that she laid the foundation of respect and expectations, and now that she had shown them that she could be a tough supervisor, she wanted to get to know them a little better on a personal level. She was aware that this was an important part of being in charge.

Standing right outside of the elevator, was Beckett. Not able to drive yet, she had just gotten out of a cab. "_What is wrong with me? Why am I so nervous?" _she thought to herself. _"This is my turf. My home away from home. My safe place." _It was true. Since she had graduated from the police academy this had been where she spent the majority of her time. This place was as much a part of her as breathing. _"Yes," _she thought, _"there is a new Captain, but I can handle that." _She took a deep, cleansing breath as the elevator took her to the correct floor and she stepped out. The minute she walked in she felt better. The sounds and even the smell were so familiar that it immediately calmed her nerves. She took a few steps and stopped short. Although the sounds and smell were the same, it was very evident that things had changed more than just having a new Captain. Her white board was moved to a new wall. Desks were re-arranged. She looked around almost desperately for a familiar sight, a familiar face. She quickly located Ryan and Esposito. They were sitting at a group of desks with a young officer that she didn't recognize and a woman who must be the new Captain. They were all talking and laughing about something the young cop had said. Her anxiety level sky-rocketed. Suddenly she felt like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz must have felt when she first woke up and realized she wasn't in Kansas anymore. She felt like an outsider in the one place where she should have felt the most comfortable. She felt so over-whelmed that she seriously contemplated leaving before anyone could see her.

Before she could act on that impulse, Esposito spotted her. He jumped up and yelled "Beckett!" He and Ryan were the first to run over and greet her, followed by several other officers. As she heard clapping from many of her peers, she began to calm down again. "_I can do this," _she told herself. It felt good to see how excited everyone was to see her. With renewed confidence, she marched over to introduce herself to the new Captain. As she did, she passed her desk. She couldn't help but notice that the wooden chair that had sat next to her desk for the past three years was conspicuously missing. The implications of that empty space were clear and she had to make a concerted effort to push away those thoughts and concentrate on her meeting with the Captain.

She put out her hand. "Captain Tomlin. I'm Detective Kate Beckett." The Captain shook her hand firmly.

"Yes, I figured as much. It's nice to finally meet you Detective. Why don't you come to my office so we can talk privately." Beckett followed her to her office.

From behind the glass window of his office, Castle followed her with his eyes. When she was out of his eye sight he went and sat down at his desk heavily. When he had heard Esposito yell her name, he had felt as if his heart had actually skipped a beat. He knew that eventually the moment would come when he would have to figure out how he was going to deal with seeing her again, but he didn't expect it was going to be today. He had jumped up from his desk and went quickly to the door. Before opening the door, he looked out the window and when he saw her he froze. She looked like she had lost weight and was very pale. Not only that but as he studied her face and the way she was holding her body he could see that she was holding on by a thread. More than anything he wanted to go to her in that moment and tell her that it was going to be okay. Hold her hand and help her through this. The fact that he knew she wouldn't want him there was like a knife in his chest. So instead he had stood and watched as the rest of the force surrounded her and welcomed her back before she walked into the Captain's office.

"Have a seat Detective," the Captain said motioning to a chair. Beckett sat down in it gratefully thinking her legs might have given out had she not. "I know you're not cleared to come back yet, but I'm glad you came in. I've heard a lot of good things about you and I'm excited to have you back on the team."

"Thank you, Ma'am. I am excited to be coming back." She looked around the office. The new Captain had made some changes, but it was still hard to look at it. She had been in this office with Roy more times than she could count. She had to look down to hide the tears that sprang up in her eyes. "_Suck it up Beckett," _she told herself. She didn't know what was wrong with her. Since the accident she had been quick to cry and prone to pity parties and that was not her style. She hoped it was all a part of her recovery and would resolve itself when she got back to work. To help take her mind off of Roy, she stood up and walked around while they worked out the details of when she would come back to work and how they would gradually increase her hours and duties as she became stronger.

While looking out the window of the office, Beckett gasped before turning around. "_Oh great. Now I'm seeing things." _Her eyes must have been playing tricks on her, or maybe her heart, because she had thought for sure she had seen Castle standing over by the white board. "_But you know it wasn't him. Lanie said he was banned." _She took a deep breath and forced herself to look out the window again. This time she thought she saw him walk into an office.

The Captain saw her puzzled look. "Oh. I guess you wouldn't know. We have a new member of our team. A police profiler."

Beckett turned around to look at the closed office door the man had entered. "A profiler? Oh." She felt a sense of relief. She wasn't crazy or seeing things. They had just hired a new cop who happened to have a similar build to Castle.

"Yes," she continued. "I understand you know him well. Richard Castle."

She swung her head around so quickly that she felt a twinge of pain around her healing wound. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

"Richard Castle. He's our new police profiler. That's his office over there," she said pointing to the corner office.

"His office_? _You hired Castle as a police profiler and gave him an office?" _"This can't be happening_," she thought. All of a sudden everything was just too much. A new Captain, everything switched around, the emotional and physical pain of trying to recover from a gunshot wound to the chest and now this. She felt like she couldn't breathe. "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I.. I quit!"

Before the Captain could even respond, she had yanked open the door and almost ran out. When Ryan and Esposito saw her face, that she was crying, they quickly moved out of her way. She grabbed her purse and walked over to the elevator and pressed the button. The doors opened immediately. As she waited for the doors to close, she looked over at Castle's office door. He was standing at the window looking out at her. Her eyes locked on his as the doors slowly closed, breaking the brief contact.

He came out of his office and joined the guys by their desks. The Captain came over.

Castle asked the obvious question. "What was that all about? She looked..." Upset was the word he was about to use, but that didn't begin to describe the way she had looked. Angry yes, but he also saw fear and defeat. A shadow of the Beckett he knew.

"I'm not sure. We were talking about how excited she was to be coming back, talked about her new schedule. Everything seemed fine. Then I told her about you being the new police profiler and she just shut down. Said she couldn't do this and that she quit." She looked at Castle. "Apparently there is something I should know?"

"She quit?" He looked at the closed elevators. Then he looked at his office door. He felt his new life slip away. He wasn't making a rash decision, but there was no way he would let her quit. This was her life. If anyone was going to go, it was going to be him.


	5. Chapter 5

A New Beginning

Chapter 5

Truce?

**Beckett **looks around her, shocked. The broken picture frame, over turned chair and the floor littered with papers were all the aftermath of her fit of anger. She had come home from the precinct and just lost it. Barely able to see through her tears, she had knocked over and thrown whatever she got her hands on. Now as she sat on the couch surveying the damage she felt almost numb. She didn't even get up when she heard a knock at the door, choosing instead to just yell "come in" from the couch.

Lanie opened the door and walked in. Seeing the mess, she quickly walked over to Beckett. "Are you okay? Were you robbed?"

"No. I wasn't robbed. I was … angry."

Lanie looked at her knowingly. "Oh. Does this by any chance have anything to do with the new police profiler that was just hired at the 12th?"

"You knew about that? Why didn't you tell me. What was she thinking? He's a writer and yeah he is good at figuring out clues, but a profiler, come on."

"First of all, I didn't tell you because I didn't know. Esposito just called me and filled me in on what happened today. Secondly, you may not want to hear it, but I think Castle would do a great job as a profiler. You can't avoid him forever Kate. And you absolutely can't quit."

" It was just so, I don't know, different. Everything's changed. I've changed. I guess I had the idea that I was just going to get better and go back to work like nothing happened. But everything has been so hard."

"I know. You've been through allot. It'll get better, you'll see." Lanie paused, deciding whether or to bring up the obvious. "Maybe you need to talk to someone. You know, someone who can help you deal with all of this."

"A shrink. You think I need to see a shrink?" The very idea caused her to get up and start pacing around the room. "I don't need a shrink, Lanie. I just need my life to get back to normal. What ever that is."

"There's nothing wrong with getting help from a professional you know. Esposito told me how upset you looked when you left. Everyone is worried about you."

She went and sat back down next to Lanie. "I couldn't breathe. I mean, for a minute there I literally couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to pass out."

Lanie nodded. "Sounds like a panic attack to me."

Beckett shook her head. "No. It wasn't a panic attack. I don't panic. Really, thank you, but I'm fine."

Lanie looked around again at the mess. "Oh yeah, you're fine all right. Promise me you will at least think about it?"

Reluctantly, she made the promise.

"Do you need any help cleaning up this mess?"

"No thanks. I think I'm going to take a nap and then I'll take care of it."

"Are you sure? I don't mind helping."

"I'm sure. Thanks again for stopping by. I'll call you later, okay?"

"You better."

**Castle **had left the precinct early and went home. It was unusually quiet when he walked in. He went and got a drink and sat down. He leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes. He almost jumped off the couch when out of nowhere Martha began playing the piano loudly. She and Alexis soon belted out a loud and boisterous rendition of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". He looked up just in time to see Alexis walking over to him with a big smile and what looked like a giant brown pile of mud on a platter. Martha ran up. "Look darling, I made you a cake!" Castle looked over Martha's shoulder to Alexis who was looking at him with amusement.

"A cake. You made me a cake. That's so... nice. Why? It's not my birthday. Is it?"

"No Richard, of course it's not your birthday. It is to congratulate you on your new job. Alexis was telling me all about it. I think it's marvelous! So spill."

"I don't even know where to start".

"From the beginning of course. Give me all the details."

Castle shared with them everything that had happened. By the time he was done, the cheery mood was broken and the cake forgotten.

"Well that's terrible," his mother said. "She can't just quit. What are you going to do Richard?"

"I don't know what to do. I know that I can't let her quit. I think she is over-reacting and hope she will realize that quitting is not the answer. I even thought about quitting myself, but to be honest, I don't want to. I was excited about this job and want to see where it leads." He stood up and started pacing. "You know, I think I'll go for a run. Clear my head and take some time to think."

Alexis stood up. "I'll go with you."

He smiled at her. "I appreciate the gesture, but I think I want to be alone for a while." He saw her worried look. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. This will all work out somehow." He ran up stairs to change and came back down wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

After he left Martha looked at Alexis with a frown and stated what they both were thinking. "Your father doesn't run. A quick walk maybe, but run? I don't think so."

Alexis shrugged.

Martha looked down at the cake. "Well, I guess that's more cake for us! Let me cut you a piece."

Knowing that Martha baked even worse than she cooked, Alexis conveniently remembered an exam she needed to study for and quickly ran upstairs to her room.

**Trying **to rest after such an exhausting morning, Beckett laid in her bed tossing and turning, wide awake. Lanie was right, she couldn't quit. To be honest, she had figured that out for herself half way home. _"I can't believe I told the Captain I quit. What was I thinking. I certainly didn't make the best first impression. Some Detective she must think I am, breaking down and quitting over what? Working in the same space as some guy?" _She felt like such a fool. Thinking about the mess she had made out in the living room didn't help. She had just been so angry when she first got home. Angry that Castle had taken away her safe place. Angry that things had changed. Angry that she had lost her good friend and whatever potential they had for more. "He should quit," she said to the empty room. She immediately felt bad for being so selfish. If she was honest with herself, she had to admit that Lanie was right about another thing. Castle would make a great profiler. She had seen how excited he got when he was able to help solve a mystery.

She also knew he had often felt a little left out at the 12th even though everyone treated him like he belonged there. But she could tell that it bothered him, especially when they encountered law enforcement from another unit or organization and everyone was referred to as Detective this and officer that. 'Oh, and this is our writer consultant'. He tried not to let it show, but she knew him well enough to see the truth. No, she couldn't expect him to quit. She knew what she had to do. If she wasn't going to quit and he wasn't going to quit, they were going to have to find a way to work together successfully. Her stomach did a little flip flop when she realized what she needed to do. She needed to go to him and call a truce.

Determined that she was going to get her life on track and get back to the 'old' Beckett, she made up her mind that she wasn't going to wait. She was going to go over and see him. Right now. Before she could chicken out, she called a cab and went to get dressed.

Thirty minutes later, she was in the cab on her way over to see Castle. Her stomach was in knots, her heart was beating out of her chest and her hands were sweating. "_This is ridiculous," _she thought to herself. "_I feel like a teen-aged girl getting up the nerve to talk to a cute boy by his locker. Just breathe. You'll be fine. Stick to the script." _After an agonizing 20 minutes deciding what to wear, she had spent a few minutes writing down her 'talking-points' so she would know what to say when she got there. It was pretty simple. She went over them in her head as she sat in the back seat of the cab: _"Keep it short and to the point. We are both adults. We both will be working at the same time in the same space and we need to be able to work together and focus on the task at hand. So let's call a truce and find a way to make it work. See. Simple. Oh and whatever I do, do not touch him. As a matter of fact, I probably should stay as physically far away from him as possible, because if not-" _

"Lady, hey lady. You okay?"

The voice of the cab driver snapped her out of her thoughts. She met his eyes in the rear view mirror. "Fine. I'm fine. Just thinking."

"Well we're here."

She looked out of the window. "_This is it. Let's just do this and get it over with."_

She asked the cab driver if he could wait, since she planned on getting in, saying her piece and getting out.

"Sorry, break time. I could come back when I'm done. Half an hour be okay?"

The idea of spending a half an hour talking to Castle seemed like an eternity, but she decided she could always wait downstairs if she needed to.

"Sure, half an hour." She turned around smoothed down her clothes, and headed up to his door. Taking a few deep breaths to steady her nerves, she knocked softly. When no one answered right away, she turned to walk away, disappointed and relieved at the same time. But before she got too far, she heard the door open. She turned around and saw Martha in the doorway.

"Kate! What a lovely surprise. Come in, come in."

Beckett smiled and came in. "Thanks."

Martha gave her a hug. "Look at you. Richard was right, you've lost weight."

She looked puzzled. How would Castle know if she had lost weight?

Martha led her over to the couch. "Sit down. Would you like some iced tea? I assume my son didn't know you were coming over?"

"No. Kind of a spur of the moment decision. Is he here?"

"Actually no he's not. He um, went running."

"Running? Castle runs? I didn't know that."

"Well don't feel bad, neither did I. Said he needed to get away and think. He told me about what happened at the station today. You're not really going to quit are you?"

"No. I was just a little over-whelmed at the moment. Actually, that's why I stopped by. If Castle and I are going to work together, we need to clear some things up."

Martha smiled and patted her leg. "I think that is an excellent idea." She heard a noise on the stairs and looked up to see Alexis. "Oh Alexis, come on down. We have a visitor."

If the situation weren't so serious, Beckett would have been amused at the look on Alexis' face. No doubt she was embarrassed about the things she had said at the hospital. She knew what it was like to blurt things out in the midst of an emotional time and didn't want to make things harder on her. "Hi Alexis. It's good to see you."

"Umm. Hi Kate." She looked at Martha. "I have to get back to my studying." She turned to flee up the stairs.

"Don't be silly Alexis," Martha told her. "I have to go and make some tea for our guest. I'm sure you have time to entertain her until your father returns."

Alexis slowly made her way back down the stairs and over to the couch and sat down, but didn't make eye-contact with Beckett. "So how are you feeling? Dad says you're almost well enough to go back to work."

"He's right. I am doing much better now, thank you."

Alexis was surprised at Beckett's friendly tone. "Aren't you mad at me? You know, for all the stuff I said to you at the hospital?" Finally she lifted her eyes to look at Beckett. "I'm sorry. I had no right to talk to you like that. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I know what you were thinking. You were scared. You wanted to protect your father. I get that." She pulled out the ring hanging on the end of the her necklace. "I lost my mother remember. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It changed the course of my life forever. So I understand. And just for the record if my actions would have caused anything to happen to your father, I never would have forgiven myself. So no. I'm not mad at you."

Just then the door opened and a very sweaty, exhausted looking Castle hobbled into the living room. He leaned over putting his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. His hair was sticking to his forehead and his shirt was soaking wet. Beckett thought he had never looked better. "_Focus on the points," _she quickly reminded herself.

Alexis spoke up. "Dad. Look whose here.'

He looked up and saw her sitting on the couch. He tried to think of something clever to say. What he came up with was "Beckett?"

"_Beckett. Not Kate. Beckett. Well that should help me keep on track", _she thought.

"Castle."

He looked down at his shirt. "_Great. If I look as bad as I feel..." "_I'm gonna just run upstairs and take a quick shower. I'll be right down."

Beckett watched him go up the stairs then turned to Alexis. "I have a question to ask you. Did you tell your father about your visit to my hospital room?"

"No way. He would kill me if he knew. Well, not really but, you know. I didn't even tell him I wanted him to stop working with you. I didn't want to make things even harder for him."

"Well, don't worry, it will be our secret." _"So. He doesn't know she came to visit. She never told him her fears. She was hoping that Alexis would have said she had told him about how she felt. That he was staying away from her in order to make Alexis feel better. _That_ she would understand. But he must have stayed away because he was still angry that she had pursued the case. Oh, and don't forget, almost got him shot. She understood him being angry, but how could she forgive him for abandoning her like that?"_

Upstairs Castle was trying to figure out why she was here. Was it to try and get him to quit? Maybe to finally confront him about pulling her away from Captain Montgomery? "_Well I can't just stay up here all evening trying to guess. I need to just go down and find out what she wants," he thought. _He had decided weeks ago not to push her for anything, even friendship. He knew how vulnerable she was going to be after the shooting. When she finally came to him, IF she came to him, he wanted it to be because she wanted to, not due to some knee-jerk reaction to trauma. He took a deep breath and headed down the stairs.

When he came down, Martha and Alexis discretely went upstairs leaving them alone.

"Thanks for waiting. I was a mess.""

"Sure."

They sat in uncomfortable silence for what seemed like an eternity before she finally spoke.

"I'm not quitting."

"Good. I'm glad. Are you here to ask me to quit?"

" To be honest, it did cross my mind, but no. I'm here because we are going to be working together. I can't come in next week and have to worry about... stuff... with us." She looked at him. He was looking at her so intently, it made her nervous. _"Move away," _she told herself. She broke their eye contact and got up. _"_We're both adults and I'm sure we can find a way to work together. Don't you agree?"

He too stood up. "I agree. No reason why not."

She offered him a handshake. "Truce?" _"Truce was a safe word. As a writer, he would know that truce didn't mean they would take up where they left off or even forgiveness. Just putting it away while they were working together."_

He gave her sad smile and shook her hand. "Truce."

The second he took her hand in his, she knew she had made a mistake. She tried to pull away but it was too late. One moment they were shaking hands the next she was in his arms trapped in a warm hug.

He told himself not to do it a split second before he did it anyway. From the minute he had seen her at the police station he had wanted to hold her. Whenever he thought of her, it was her lying on the ground with blood pouring out of her or unconscious in a hospital bed. Although he had been told that she was on the mend, seeing it for himself was too much. He felt compelled to touch her and hold her and prove to himself that she was okay. He thought he was going to be able to resist, but once their hands touched...He knew she may be mad, but he didn't care. Heck, she was already mad. He was mad too. But this was bigger than that.

First she tried to push him away, then she stood stiffly in his arms, as if she knew it was useless to try and break away. Or maybe she was too weak. What ever the reason, she was standing there letting him hug her. That's all that mattered. He could feel how thin she was and if he wasn't mistaken, she was trembling. But she was whole and safe. He left one hand on the small of her back and ran his other hand up her back, then her neck and then under her hair cupping the back of her head and pressing her cheek against his chest. It felt so good having her in his arms.

She tried to tell herself that she wasn't strong enough to pull away. That she had no choice but to stand there and let him hug her. And technically maybe it was the case. Physically, she knew that if she struggled hard enough he would let her go. But emotionally, she truly wasn't strong enough to pull away. She would probably regret it later. But for now, just for this stolen moment of weakness she was going to let him hold her.

She felt him lay his head on the top of hers and he whispered "I'm so glad you're okay." That is when she finally broke down and held him back. Wrapping her arms around him, they held each other for several seconds. "_This feels so right," _She admitted to herself. _"Wait. No this isn't right. He had left her. For weeks. She woke up without him, endured grueling physical therapy without him and had cried tears of pain and grief without him!" _

Suddenly she gave him a violent push backwards. "Let go Castle!"

As soon as he felt her pushing on him he let go for fear of hurting her. The moment she left his arms, he felt empty. But certainly not surprised. He had known the anger was coming.

"I said Truce, Castle. Truce. I'm sure you know what truce means," she said in a sarcastic tone.

"Yes, I know what Truce means." He sounded irritated.

"Good. Because I'm still mad at the way you treated me. I don't do forgiveness well. I'm sure you've figured that out about me by now."

"I know. You have every right to be mad at me. I just needed to know that you were really okay." He looked at her and saw the anger on her face. It caused him to remember her telling him to leave her alone at the hospital after all the time he had sat by her bedside waiting for her to wake up. Telling Josh she loved him. Suddenly he felt as angry as she looked. "Don't worry it won't happen again. And you don't have to worry about me bothering you at work either. I will make sure that our contacts are strictly professional."

"Good!"

"Good!"

They glared at each other for a minute until Martha came down the stairs. "I hate to interrupt, but there appears to be a taxi waiting downstairs for someone. Kate, did you call a cab?"

"The cab! I almost forgot. Yes I did. Not cleared to drive yet. Thank you."

"Oh you're welcome dear. It was nice seeing you again. Stop by any time."

Without even looking at Castle, Beckett walked out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

A New Beginning

Chapter 6

He _Was_ There

**When **Castle woke up the following morning, he was pleasantly surprised to realize that he had slept an entire eight hours straight. It was the first good night's sleep he'd had since Captain Montgomery had been shot. He figured that Beckett's unexpected visit from the day before was the reason. Seeing her, holding her, and even arguing with her, had made his day. The arguing he could deal with. That was something at least. It was the complete lack of contact between them that had been intolerable.

As he got ready for work, he found himself trying to imagine what next week would hold. He wouldn't pretend that he wasn't excited to work with her again, because he was. However, he also was all little apprehensive. In the short time that she had been gone, things had changed drastically. The new Captain definitely had her own way of running things. Then there was the whole profiler thing. How would she react to his new role? He knew Beckett was a bit of a control freak and he was sure all these changes would be hard for her.

He laughed at himself in the mirror. He was really over-thinking this whole thing. He decided the best thing to do was just take things one day at a time.

**Unlike** Castle, Beckett hadn't slept well at all. Her mind just wouldn't shut down and let her rest. The encounter with Castle had left her edgy and confused. She didn't exactly regret her decision to go and talk to him. She knew she had done the right thing by addressing the issue now. It was much better than waiting until they had to see each other at work. She was just frustrated that things had gotten so off track. Her goal was a truce, not to start a fight. Fighting took more emotional energy than she had these days.

And that hug! Her face flushed with embarrassment as she recalled how she had shoved him away, yelling at him like he had attacked her. She could only imagine what he must have thought. She could kick herself for over-reacting. It wasn't like he had tried anything he shouldn't. It was just a hug. People hug all the time. The problem was, to her it had felt like so much more than 'just a hug' and that scared her. As usual, she used anger to cover her fear.

**Later **that morning, when Castle showed up for work, Ryan, Esposito and Roger were waiting to talk to him. He had taken off quickly the day before following Beckett's abrupt exit, and they were anxious to talk about what had happened and what it might mean for the team. While Roger wasn't aware of all the dynamics, Ryan and Esposito were and they knew all about Castle's thought process.

"Dude, you're not quitting are you?" asked Esposito with a worried look.

Roger looked confused and a little alarmed. "What? Why would Castle quit?"

Ryan looked at him. "Because he would never let Beckett quit-"

"-Even if that meant _he_ had to quit to prevent it," said Esposito finishing Ryan's sentence.

"Don't worry," he assured them. "Neither of us are going anywhere. I talked with Beckett last night and we agreed that we are both adults and can work together without any problems."

They both looked relieved that no one was quitting, not to mention a little amused at Castle's speech. "Adults, huh?" Esposito said with a smile. "Seriously though, is she okay?"

Castle shrugged. "I'd like to say yes. But I don't know. You know Beckett. If she doesn't want you to see what's going on in her head, then you don't see what's going on in her head."

Ryan and Esposito nodded in agreement. Roger said "Maybe Beckett's coming back isn't such a good idea. I'm not sure we need this chick on our team if she's gonna be all emotional."

Castle, Ryan and Esposito all turned to glare at him.

Ryan was the first to come to her defense. "_Detective_ Beckett is the best I've ever worked with. She's been through more than most guys I know and is still standing."

Esposito simply said, "Not cool, bro," and walked away.

Castle started to walk away as well, but stopped briefly to add, "If I were you, I wouldn't ever refer to her as a 'chick' again."

Roger looked at Ryan who was the only one still sitting there. Ryan looked at him, shook his head and then he too got up and walked away, leaving Roger sitting alone. He had a sinking feeling about Beckett's impending return. If she was Castle's partner, and Ryan and Esposito were partners, where did that leave him?

An hour later, Castle had just completed his first webinar on criminal profiling. He had quickly realized that there was a lot more to this job than he had first thought. He was excited about the challenge and marveled again at how lucky he was to have landed this opportunity. He thought about cracking open a new resource book, but decided against it. "_Gotta give the brain time to process," _he told himself to justify taking a break. He got up, stretched and walked over to look out of his window. He saw Lanie sitting at Esposito's desk. He grinned. Lanie was always fun to mess with. He opened his door and walked over to see her.

"Hey Lanie, what brings you here?" he asked, as if he didn't know she was here to see Esposito.

She didn't answer him right away. Finally, when he didn't get the hint and walk away, she looked at him out of the corner of her eye and simply said "Castle." It was an acknowledgment that he had spoken, but nothing more.

"Any news on our lastest vic? Have you ruled out suicide?"

This time she didn't even look at him. "Nope."

It didn't take a police profiler to figure out that something was wrong. Unfortunately, it appeared that the 'something' wrong was him. He thought back over the past few days trying to think of anything he had done or said that might have upset her, but came up empty.

"Is something wrong? You seem..."

"Angry?"

"I was going to say irritated, but angry works. Care to tell me what I did?"

He watched her struggle with what to say and could actually see the moment that she made her decision to just lay it on the line.

"Look, Beckett's my friend. One could argue that she is my best friend. And when you mess with Lanie's best friend, you mess with Lanie. You really hurt her, Castle."

"I know. But I did it to protect her. That should count for something!"

"Protect her? Not bothering to come and see her in the hospital or after she got out is protecting her? That doesn't even make sense."

"What are you talking about. Of course I came to see her. I was at the hospital every day until she told me to leave. Is that what she told you, that I never came to see her?"

"Yeah, that's what she told me. And I've never known Beckett to lie to me."

"Well, have you ever known me to lie to you?" he asked. "Why would I lie about something like this? I'm sure it would be easy enough to prove, so there would be no point. No. She's mad at me, but it has nothing to do with me coming to visit her."

She looked at him thoughtfully, weighing his words. She abruptly stood up and said "Tell my guy I had to go" as she strode out of the station into the elevator.

**Two **hours later, Lanie was knocking on Beckett's door. When she opened it, Lanie didn't waste any time with small talk.

"Tell me again why you are so upset with Castle," she said as she walked into the room.

Beckett looked at her confused. "Why."

"Just humor me and tell me again."

Beckett went and sat down on the couch, pulling her knees to her chest. Lanie went and sat down beside her.

She took a deep breath and began talking in a low voice. "I've told you. Long story short, I woke up in a hospital bed with Castle nowhere in sight. I laid there for over a week in pain and worrying about my recovery and if there was any permanent damage. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Roy lying on the concrete in a pool of blood. Then there was the physical therapy, and I've already told you how hard that was for me. But where was Castle?" Her voice started getting stronger as she re-lived the anger she had felt. "Nowhere, Lanie. Do you know how many people come and go in a hospital room? Doctors, nurses, visitors. Someone is always coming or going, day and night. And every time that door opened, I expected to see him walk through it. _Every time_. But he never did. You know me, Lanie. I don't like needing anyone, but I needed him then. I needed him and he wasn't there. How do you forgive someone for that?"

Lanie reached into her purse and pulled out two pieces of paper. "I have something to show you. Something I think you'll be very interested in. As an M.E., I was able to pull some strings and get access to your hospital record. Now I don't know how much you know about nurses, but they are big note takers. They usually take two types of notes. The first kind are the boring, factual ones that are kept in the main file for anyone to read. The other ones are their private notes, and those aren't usually fit for public record. Those are the ones they write unofficially to each other. The ones that say things like 'watch out for Mr. grabby hands in bed three, or I don't think blondie in room 406 has shaved her legs in a year'.

Beckett looked confused. "I don't understand. Are you telling me that the nurses were making fun of me?"

Lanie laughed, "No, girl. Be patient. I'm getting there. What I'm trying to tell you is you may have been wrong about Castle." She handed the papers to Beckett and got up to leave.

"I think you'll want to read these alone, so I'm gonna go. But if you need to talk later, give me a call."

Beckett looked down at the pages in her hand. She curled up the couch and started reading.

The first page was obviously the official notes taken by the nurses. They were computer generated. It stated her name, vitals, time of arrival, diagnosis, state of consciousness and other boring facts, as Lanie had put it. Reading about her surgery, pain management , dressing changes and concerns about infections left her feeling slightly sick. It was surreal reading about her day to day care while in the hospital. It brought back the fear and pain, a time she didn't care to remember. After reading the first page, she set it down and tried to figure out what the point was of that information. It had nothing to do with Castle.

Then she picked up the second one and as she started to read the entries, she quickly figured out what Lanie felt was so important. They were the unofficial notes between two nurses, apparently a day nurse and night nurse. Unlike the official notes, these were handwritten and very obviously not meant for anyone else to see.

_Mary, don't waste your time trying to get the guy in the chair to leave. We had to call security to get him out long enough for them to examine her. He was waiting in the room when she got out of surgery and hasn't moved since. I think he said his name is 'Castle'. If you ask me, he's gonna be a pain to deal with. Good luck tonight!_

_Deb, you were so right. He's definitely going to be a pain. The doc ordered hourly vital checks throughout the night. Every time I went in to check, that guy was standing right over my shoulder asking questions. He never shuts up! He's been here 15 hours straight so maybe you'll get lucky and he'll be gone by the time you come in._

_No such luck. When I got there she was still unconscious but you could tell she was in pain. He jumped me the minute I walked in the door and started yelling at me to get her some pain medication. When I told him I had to wait for doctors orders, I thought he was going to stroke out :) I tried to get him to go home and take a shower (boy did he need one) but he wouldn't leave her side. Held her hand the whole time I was in there. I hate to admit it, but it was kind of sweet. Yikes, I think he's growing on me!_

_Deb, tonight she had her first dressing change. It didn't go well. I tried to get Castle to wait in the hallway but he refused. I should have made him, but the man gets on my nerves so I figured I would teach him a lesson. When I took off the bandage and he saw the scar on her chest he was very shaken up. The man actually had tears in his eyes. What a wuss._

_Mary! Shame on you! He was gone when I got here. After reading your notes, I was thinking he might not come back. Apparently he took my advice about the shower, because he finally did go home and clean up. The dressing change went much better today. Although for some strange reason he took notes on how I changed the dressing. Weird, huh? Go easy on him tonight. He's not looking so good. _

_You should be very proud of me. I was very nice to your Mr. Castle. I even had a cot brought in so he wouldn't have to sleep in that chair again. I figured out why he took those notes. He asked me if he could change her dressing! I figured, what the heck. It took him a lot longer than it should have, because he was trying so hard not to hurt her. I have to admit, he actually did a decent job._

_Big news. What a day! Castle was in the room all morning (surprise, surprise). When I checked on her at 1:00 he was sound asleep in the chair. 1:30 alarms go off. I go in and her heart rate is all over the place, and she was extremely agitated. That new nurse, Brenda from the 4th floor, was in there. She saw how upset Kate was and kicked Castle out! The crazy thing is, he went. He didn't even argue about it! He just looked at her and walked out. And he didn't come back! What do you think that was all about?_

_Hmmm. No Castle tonight. Can't believe I'm saying this, but I kind of miss the guy._

_No Castle today either. I'm sure you know by now, but she woke up this morning. _

She slowly folded the paper in half and laid it on the table in front of her. A single tear rolled down her cheek at the implication of what she had just read. Castle was there. He had slept in a chair, held her hand and even changed her dressing. She felt her face flush as she thought of the intimacy involved in changing the dressing on her chest. She knew that she should probably feel some righteous indignation over that piece of information, and maybe it would come later, but for now her mind was too busy trying to process what this meant and what she was going to do about it.

Feeling a little silly, she reached over and grabbed the paper up so that she could read it again. Nothing had changed of course. Except now she was starting to wonder about the last couple of notes. She stood up and started pacing as she read it yet a third time before folding it carefully and putting it in her back pocket. _"What could have happened that made him leave and not come back?" _She tried hard to think back to that time. Her last clear memory before waking up in the hospital was standing at Roy's grave site speaking at the funeral. The next thing she remembered was feeling a dull pain radiating out from her chest to the rest of her body and Josh telling her that she had been shot. She closed her eyes trying to force her memory, but it was no use. Suddenly feeling very tired, she decided to lay it rest for the night and try and get some sleep.

She went into her bedroom and walked over to the drawer. She opened it and carefully laid her father's watch inside, then gently brought the necklace holding her mother's ring over her head and set it next to the watch. She started to close the drawer then stopped. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out the folded piece of paper. She hesitated briefly before placing it inside the drawer with the jewelry. She gently closed the drawer and went to bed.


	7. Chapter 7

A New Beginning

Chapter 7

Disclosure

**Castle **came bounding down the stairs and did a double-take when he saw his mother sitting at the counter in the kitchen. He looked at his watch. "Oh, for a minute there I thought I was running late? Since when do you roll out of bed before noon?"

She gave him her 'cut it out' look. "I just thought that maybe you would need to talk this morning before going into work."

"Why?"

"Well, it is, after all, Kate's first day back. You must have some feelings about that. Just thought you might want some motherly advice."

He smiled and said, "Why, do you know someone who has motherly advice?"

She playfully hit him with a dish towel. "I'm serious, Richard. You know, I have been around the romance block a time or two so I just might have something to offer."

He laughed outright. "A time or _two?_ I think that's a bit of an understatement don't you, mother? And for the record, I don't need any help in the romance department."

"Time out," Alexis sang out as she came down the stairs to join them. "Innocent ears coming through. Subject change please."

Castle smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Good morning dear daughter. And don't worry, I believe we were going to be talking about Beckett, so I think it's a safe bet that romance talk will not be an involved."

"Oh. What's going on with Beckett?" Alexis asked.

"Today is Kate's first day back to work. I just thought your father might need to talk about it, that's all."

Alexis hopped off the stool. "Oh. Okay. Well, have a good day. Bye dad."

"Bye. See you tonight."

Martha watched her slowly walk back up the stairs.

"Do you think she is acting oddly?" she asked.

Castle seemed surprised by the question. "Alexis? No why?"

"Didn't you see the look on her face before she took off upstairs? Something is going on with her."

"Yes, it's called being a teenager."

"No, I'm serious. Come to think of it, she acted strangely the other night when Kate stopped by. When she saw her sitting on the couch, she looked like she had seen a ghost. I had to practically force her to come and visit with her until you got back. That's not like her. I think maybe you should go talk to her."

"I'm sure it's nothing. You know Alexis, if she has something to tell us, she'll tell us in her own time. Besides I really have to go now or I'm going to be late."

**Kate **arrived at the 12th early, before anyone else was there. She wanted a little time to get settled and re-familiarize her self with everything before the work day began. She had a bad case of butterflies and hoped that it wouldn't lead to another panic attack. She hadn't admitted it to Lanie, but she was no stranger to panic attacks. They had been a big part of why she had needed to seek therapy after her mother's death. Until last week, she hadn't had one in years. She considered these attacks a sign of weakness, and never being one to show weakness, she had never told anyone about them. Remembering her therapy, she forced her self to relax and breathe naturally and was rewarded with a sense of calm. Smiling, she grabbed a case file and got to work.

It wasn't long before the precinct came to life as people began arriving. It seemed like everyone who walked in the door took a moment to come over and welcome her back. By the time Ryan and Esposito strolled in she was feeling great. Before she knew it, they were back to business as usual. She was busy putting up information on the board when Roger joined them.

She gave him a friendly smile and held out her hand. "I don't think we got a chance to meet the other day. I'm Detective Beckett."

Roger gave her a half-hearted handshake. "I'm Roger."

Although he hadn't said anything, Beckett got the feeling that he didn't like her much. Since she hadn't done anything wrong, she dismissed it and went back to work.

Twenty minutes later, Castle walked in and joined the group at the board. "Hey guys. Beckett." She tries to make eye contact with him, but he is all business. She fills him in on the case and they are soon caught up in the task of putting together a suspect list. Finally they get to a point where Ryan and Esposito leave to track down leads.

Castle starts to walk towards his office when she calls out to him. "Castle, can I talk to you for a minute."

Before he could answer, the Captain walks up. "Actually, I would like to talk to both of you for a minute." They follow her to her office and sit down.

The Captain shut the door and sat down on the other side of the desk. "How are you feeling Detective Beckett?"

"Much better Ma'am. I want to thank you again for being so understanding about before."

"You're welcome. It's completely understandable under the circumstances. Anyway, the reason I called you both in here was to talk about your relationship."

Taken aback by that comment, Beckett said "Excuse me?"

Castle said "You don't need to worry about that Captain. We're partners, that's all."

Beckett didn't look happy with Castle's answer. "Yes, we're partners." Then she looked at Castle, "And friends."

He turned to look at her and they locked eyes briefly.

The Captain cleared her throat. "Umm, I was referring to your working relationship."

Beckett blushed and said, "Oh."

Castle asked, "What about our working relationship?"

"I just was thinking that we need to clarify roles. Detective Beckett, Mr. Castle's role here has changed, as you are aware. He is no longer a writer shadowing you. He is an equal part of the team now and I just want to make it sure that everyone is on the same page in that respect."

Beckett sat silently. Castle said, "Captain, we've always worked as a team. I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about." She didn't look too convinced. Truthfully neither was he. "Is that all?"

"Well, since it was brought up, I think I should put it out there that I am not comfortable with office romances, so I'm glad to hear this not an issue I'm going to have to address with you two."

They walked out of the office and went over to her desk.

Castle smiled, "Well that was awkward."

She smiled back, "Just a little."

"So, you said you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yeah, I do. Castle, I-"

"There you are," interrupted Roger. "I saw you two talking to the Captain. Everything okay?"

Castle looked annoyed. "Yes, everything is fine." He looked back at Beckett. "You were saying?"

Before she could answer, Ryan and Esposito came over.

"Guess what! We found 12 calls made to the same number in the hour before she was killed. And guess who they were made to?"

"Mr. Callaway!" Both Castle and Beckett said in unison.

Ryan smiled at Esposito. "They're so cute when they do that."

Beckett smiled. "Okay, we're cute. Can we get on with solving this case, please."

They spent the rest of the day putting together their theory and checking facts. Beckett was enjoying being back so much, she was surprised the day had gone so quickly. Before she knew it, everyone was packing up and leaving for the evening.

Castle came over and pulled a chair up to sit by her desk. "So, you made it through your first day back. You holding up okay?"

She smiled. "You know, I am. It was so great to be back here. I really missed this place." She lowered her eyes and started fiddling with a pencil she was holding. Castle patiently sat and waited for her to gather her thoughts. He knew she had been wanting to talk to him about something all day. As anxious as he was to find out what it was, he knew that he needed to let her say it in her own time. Whatever she planned to say, he could see she that it really had her torn up. She went from fiddling the pencil to tapping it on the desk and Castle could sense that she was about to shut down.

He reached over and grabbed her hand to stop the tapping. In a quiet voice he said, "Hey, relax. It's just me. Just tell me". When she still didn't say anything, he got an idea of what might help. He stood up without letting go of her hand. She looked up at him confused, but stood up with him. Lacing his fingers with hers, he led her to his office. Instead of turning on the bright over-head light, he turned on the small reading light on his desk. It gave off just enough light for them to see where they were going.

Beckett looked around. She hadn't been in his office yet. One wall held a ceiling to floor built in book shelf. She walked over, running her fingers over the spines of the books as she looked at them, using that time to calm her nerves. When she felt more in control she turned around to look for Castle. He was sitting on a small leather sofa in the corner of the room. She walked over and sat next to him. It was scary how well he knew her. He knew she would feel more comfortable talking to him in the low lighting. It would keep him from reading her face, letting her tell him only what she wanted him to know. That simple act of compassion brought tears to her eyes.

She took a deep, steadying breath and finally started talking. "First, I need to know something. Why did you stop coming to the hospital?"

"Why? Why do you think? You told me to leave you alone. And you obviously meant it because you got so upset that I was forced to leave the room. Alarms started going off and the nurse told me I was agitating you and that I had to get out. If it makes you feel any better, I hid in the hallway until I knew that you were okay." He wondered if he should say anything about Josh and decided it was best left unsaid. That was her story to tell.

"I don't remember any of that. My first memory is waking up and finding out that I had been shot. I looked for you, but you weren't there. I kept waiting and waiting for you. I knew you were angry at me for pursuing my mother's case, but I never thought you would hate me enough to leave me alone in the hospital. That hurt me Castle, more than you can ever know. I felt so... betrayed."

He could hear the pain in her voice. And to know that he had caused it was almost too much to bear. "First of all, I could never hate you. Never. And you weren't alone. You had Josh."

She turned to look at him for the first time since they had sat down. "I didn't want Josh, Castle. I wanted _you_! You are my best friend. You have been there for me, even when I didn't want you to be. I needed you to tell me it was okay, to make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. You said you would always be there for me, but you weren't."

She got up and went to stand where she could look out the window. "I'm sorry. I know I don't have any right to be angry now that I know what really happened. And I'm not. I guess I've just lived with it for so long now that I had to just get it out."

Castle got up to stand behind her. Although he wasn't quite close enough for his body to touch hers, he could sense her tension. "Do you want to know why I really didn't come back?"

"You told me why. Because I told you to go."

"No. The main reason was because I was terrified that my being there was going to cause you to have a set back. When I heard that alarm go off that day and knew that I had caused it somehow, it scared the hell out of me. I wanted to be there with you more than anything, but not if it was going to cause you more pain. If I had known..."

She was so close that he could feel her hair brush against his chest as she shook her head. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have known. I never told you."

He thought about that for a minute. "Why didn't I know?"

"What do you mean?"

He put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around to face him. "You said I couldn't have known. Why didn't you ever call me. If you were so mad and wondered where I was, why didn't you just ask?"

She didn't know what to do. What was she going to say? Because your daughter came and told me that it was all my fault? That she told me if I cared about you to at all I would let you go? She could say that, and maybe she should. But she had promised Alexis that she wouldn't say anything to him and she planned on keeping her promise.

She turned back around and said, "You know me. Too proud to ask for help, I guess." Now that she thought about it, that was probably just as true, so she didn't feel too bad omitting the part about Alexis' visit.

He put his hands on her shoulders. "It's okay to ask for help you know. It's normal to need other people. It doesn't make you weak."

"Maybe, but in the long run, isn't it better not to need anyone than to need someone who's not there?" Realizing she had revealed too much, she started to walk away.

He felt the second she started to pull away, physically and emotionally. He let his hands slide down her arms and then cross over her small waist, hugging her from behind. Expecting her to pull away, he was surprised when she snuggled back into him, laying her head on his chest under his chin. He was almost afraid to talk and ruin the moment.

"No Kate, it isn't better. I mean, of course needing someone is a risk. But it's a risk worth taking. I promise you, I won't let you down again. I told you before that I don't know what we are, and I guess that's still true. But I really want to find out."

He felt her stiffen in his arms. "What if I'm not ready to find out?"

"Then I guess I'll wait until you are."


	8. Chapter 8

A New Beginning

Chapter 8

The Wall

**Beckett **arrived home after her first day of work to find Lanie camped outside of her door with a bag of take-out and a bottle of wine.

"Lanie? What are you doing here?"

"I came to check on you, make sure you made it through your first day of work okay. Thought maybe you'd want to talk."

"In other words, you're nosy and want to know what happened with Castle."

Lanie tried to look offended, but couldn't pull it off. "Okay, you win. I'm nosy. So sue me. Are you going to let me in or not?"

"Well, you did bring wine... so sure, why not?"

They barely got sat down and the wine poured before Lanie started grilling her.

"So spill, girl. How'd it go today?"

"You know, it was good. I was worried that I would be uncomfortable, but after I had been there a little while, it was almost like I had never left."

"And Castle was there?"

"Yes, Lanie. Castle was there."

"And..." Lanie prodded when Beckett didn't elaborate.

Beckett didn't know what to say. She wanted time to sit back and reflect on what had gone on with her and Castle. Of course she felt guilty for that. She didn't have many friends, and Lanie was a good one. But she selfishly wanted some things to just be hers and Castle's. She decided to compromise, giving Lanie the watered down version of their conversation.

Twenty minutes later, she had told Lanie as much as she planned to. She could tell that Lanie knew she was holding back, but to Beckett's relief, she didn't push for more.

"I talked with Castle too, you know," Lanie said when Beckett was finished talking. "I was pretty mad at him for ditching you at the hospital, and I kind of told him off. He told me that he had there. He seemed pretty sincere. That's what gave me the idea to go and check the nurses records. I'm telling you girl, he's got it bad for you. He kept going on about how he-" She stopped abruptly.

"He what?"

"Now that I think about, he said something strange that didn't make sense. He said that he was just trying to protect you and that you _were_ mad at him, but not because of the hospital thing. I completely forgot about that until just now. What did he mean?"

"I don't know. I guess he could think I was still mad at him for the fight we had about my mother's case. I was pretty upset and told him we were through and kicked him out of the apartment."

"Gee, I don't know whythat would make him think you were mad. That's probably what he was talking about."

"I don't know, but what about the protecting me thing? It doesn't fit."

"Okay, now you sound like your trying to solve a case. I've got a novel idea. Why not just ask him. Sounds like you two are doing better in the 'talking things out' department."

"You know, maybe I will."

**Castle** also had someone waiting to talk to him about his day.

"Richard, you're finally home! I was starting to worry about you."

"No worries, mother. I just stayed late to talk to Beckett."

"Really? Well that sounds promising. I hope it ended better than your talk her last week."

"Don't worry. It did. You know, she didn't even remember me being at the hospital at all. She actually thought I hadn't even bothered to show up to see her. "

"What? That must have crushed her. Poor Kate."

He thought back to how hurt she had sounded when they were talking about it. "That pretty much describes it. I hate that she was so upset, but I have to say, it made me feel good to know that she wanted me there." He shook his head and looked away. "She's so hard to read. I've worked hard over the past three years to find out what makes her tick, and I've made progress, but there is just so much more to her. I've met people that don't wear their heart on their sleeve, but this is different. I can't even describe it. She has built a wall so high that no one can get in. My first instinct is to just try and break it down, but I don't know. What if it breaks her?"

"Oh darling, you have really thought a lot about this, haven't you? I think Kate is stronger than you think. I don't see her breaking."

Castle wasn't so sure. She _was_ strong. Maybe the strongest person he knew. She could be hard as nails when she was taking someone down or facing them in an interrogation room. She showed such confidence when she was in her role of Detective Beckett. She wasn't ashamed to dress sexy when she needed to. He had seen such compassion in her when dealing witha victim's family. To the outside world, she seemed like she had no fear, no insecurity. But he knew better.

He snapped out of his thoughts when Martha asked a very good question. "And what about this Josh business? What did she say when you asked her about that?"

"I didn't. I was hoping she would tell me on her own, but she didn't. She doesn't act like she is in love with someone else, but I know what I heard."

"Sounds like you two have a little more to talk about."

"Yeah, maybe we do."

**When **Castle walked into the 12th the next morning, Beckett was already hard at work at the white board. He stopped to watch her work, amused by how caught up she always got working a case. Today he had come prepared with a coffee for her. Not so much because she needed it, but because it had become a ritual with her, and he liked that connection. She smiled at him as she took it, then she quickly went back to work. He wondered if she felt as off balance as he did. Having a heart-to-heart talk like they did last night was a big step in their relationship and he felt like he had to work hard to find a balance between going backwards and pushing too hard.

Roger came over to sit with them. "Hey Castle! Need me to hack into any websites or anything today? I've got some new soft ware that is crazy awesome."

Castle thought about it, "Not at the momen,t Roger. But you can help us brainstorm some ideas if you're not busy."

"Really? Cool. I would love that!"

They all got to work filling in the board. Castle, being Castle, always had some off the wall theory to throw around. The funny thing was, no matter what he came up with , Roger was quick to jump on board.

At one point, Castle suggested that the suspect could be possessed. Roger looked at him wide-eyed. "I heard about stuff like that. I used to date this girl, who went to this church, and they did exorcisms! I could look it up." They heard him mumble "Wow, demons!" as he walked away determined to find everything he could on the subject.

Esposito shook his head and laughed. "Man, that never gets old."

Castle smiled. "Do you think he'll ever catch on? I feel kind of bad, tricking him like that, but sometimes it's the only way to get him to leave." He saw the disapproving look that Beckett was shooting him. "Hey, judge me if you will, but you don't know how annoying it is having a guy like Roger on your heels all the time. He's constantly asking questions and never shuts up."

She raised her eyebrows incredulously. "Really. You're serious? _I _don't know what it's like to be shadowed by someone who thinks they know it all and won't shut up?"

Ryan, Esposito and Beckett all laughed. Castle put on an offended face, but secretly he was relieved to have her joking with him again. It helped bring a sense of normalcy to the situation.

He felt his phone vibrate and looked down. It was Alexis. He stepped away from the group to take it.

"Dad. I need to talk to you. It's kind of important."

Alexis knew not to call him when he was working unless she had too, and she sounded very serious. "Sure sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"No, in person. Can you meet me for lunch?"

Now he was getting worried. "Sure. How about Toney's Coney's. I can be there in twenty minutes."

"I'll be there. I love you dad."

"I love you too kiddo." He hung up the phone and went back to the team.

"Hey, I have something I need to take care of, so I'm gonna go. I'll be back as soon as I can. "

Beckett looked concerned. She didn't know who had called, but she had noticed that he had looked upset by the conversation.

**Twenty **minutes later, Castle and Alexis were settled in a booth.

"Hey, you okay?" Castle asked. She looked very upset.

"It's about Beckett." He flashed back to the conversation with his mother about Alexis.

"Darn. I hate when she's right."

"What?"

"You're grandmother. I hate it when she's right. She knew there was something going on with you. She even suspected it was about Beckett. You won't tell her about this will you. I hate to see her gloat."

"Dad. Focus. I have something to tell you and you're not going to like it."

Now he was very curious.

She looked down at her hands. "It's been bothering me for days so I just have to tell you. But I know you're going to be mad at me."

He tried not to smile at her dramatic tone. He learned early on that when his daughter was being serious and he reacted with amusement he was just asking for a lecture. He knew he was lucky to have been blessed with a daughter that was harder on herself than he ever had to be. Sure, she had done the normal little kid stuff like staying up too late reading, or sneaking cookies before dinner, but she had never been in serious trouble, so he wasn't too worried.

"Whatever it is, I'm not going to be mad. You know that. You can tell me anything."

"Do remember talking to Gram and me about Beckett after she was shot? How upset you were, and how you blamed yourself?"

"Of course."

"I hated seeing you so upset. And I was upset, and I... I did something."

"You did 'something'? Mind being a little more specific?"

"I went to the hospital to see Beckett."

"What? When? Why didn't you tell me?" "_And why didn't she?_"he wondered to himself.

"Because I knew you would be mad. I told her that it was all her fault and that she was going to get you killed and was making you unhappy. I said that as long as you were with her, you weren't safe. I...I told her that if she cared about you at all, she would let you go. I was awful to her. I'm so sorry dad." She looked at her father with tears threatening to fall.

Castle was shocked. "You're sorry? Sorry? Alexis, how could you do something like that?"

"It's okay, dad. I told her I was sorry when she came over the other day and she said she understood and she's not mad. You're not mad at me are you?"

"Yes I'm mad!" he said yelled. "Alexis, do you realize how much you hurt her?" It made sense now why she hadn't called him while she was in the hospital, why she hadn't returned his call. "I spent over an hour last night listening to her tell me how alone she had felt at the hospital because I wasn't there. Do you know how much better it could have been for her if I was there? But she didn't feel she could call me."

"Dad, I-"

"Just don't say anything else Alexis. I don't know what you were thinking, but I'm ashamed of you." Alexis' eyes grew wide with pain. Her father had never said anything like that to her before. Of course she had never given him reason. She let the tears that were pooling in her eyes to fall. "I'm sorry, dad. It won't happen again." She looked up at her father and was surprised to see that he still looked angry. She had said that she knew he was going to be mad, but in her heart, it never occurred to her that he actually would be.

He sat there silently for a minute then simply said "Do you need cab money?"

When she shook her head, he got up without looking at her and left her sitting in the booth. She was shaking as she got up and went outside to hail a cab.

Castle chose to walk back to the precinct , thinking maybe the exercise would clear his head. So many emotions were going through him, he didn't know how to begin to process them all. Anger, of course, at Alexis. Angry that her actions had caused Kate more pain, and to be honest, it had caused him pain as well. He knew that despite the fact that Kate now knew the truth, a part of her would always remember feeling alone. Maybe adding to the wall. He couldn't even describe how he felt about his confrontation with Alexis. Never having to deal with anything like this before, he had no experience to draw from. The devastated look on her face when he told her he was ashamed of her was burned into his memory. He knew that later he might feel bad about his reaction to her confession, but for now, he was too upset.

When he got back to work, he went straight to his office. He just felt like being alone.

**Beckett **kept checking her watch and watching the door. She couldn't help but wonder why he still wasn't back. Finally Esposito caught on and walked over to her.

"You looking for Castle?"

"Yeah. I, uh, was hoping to ask him what he, um,thought about the coincidence that both of the vics went to the same gym." _"Smooth, Beckett. Real Smooth."_

Esposito smiled knowingly, "Okay. Well, he came back about a hour ago. He's been in his office."

"Oh. Well, he must be busy with something else." She reluctantly went back to the board.

A few minutes later, he came and joined them. "What have we got?"

She looked at him, but he was focused on the board.

"Ryan checked, and it turns out that they both have a gym membership to the 9th Avenue Gym. Can't be a coincidence, right? Castle?" When he still didn't respond, she waved a hand in front of his face, "Hey Castle!"

He turned and looked at her. "What?"

She repeated the question. This time he managed to stay focused on the board and it wasn't long before they had made some serious head way.

"Well, it looks like we've done as much as we can today," he told the team. "I'm gonna close up and head out. See you tomorrow." He went back to his office.

Beckett managed to wait a whole five minutes before she gave into her impulse to follow him. She had planned to try and talk to him about his conversation with Lanie, but it was going to have to wait. He obviously had something else on his mind.

She knocked quietly on the door. When he didn't answer, she let herself in. He was sitting at his computer, but his screen saver was on, indicating that he hadn't been actually working. When she saw that he had a collage of Nikki Heat book covers as his screen saver, she gasped out loud. Castle jumped and turned to look at her. "Beckett, I didn't hear you come in." He followed her line of sight and realized what she was looking at. Despite his heavy heart, he had to smile. He knew she would hate it. He thought it was hot.

She sat on the corner of his desk. "You okay?"

"Sure."

"Really, because you seem a little distracted. Wanna talk about it?"

When he didn't answer right away, she reached past him and turned on the reading light on his desk. Then she turned off the over-head light. She walked back over to the desk and held out her hand. He took it and they walked over to the couch.


	9. Chapter 9

A New Beginning

Chapter 9

The Plan Part I

**As **soon as they sat down, Beckett turned to Castle and said, "All right, Castle. What's wrong?"

He filled her in on what had happened with Alexis.

"I really messed up, Kate. I yelled at her and told her I was ashamed of her. I have _never_ talked to her like that. If you could have seen the look on her face... she looked so hurt. Then I left. I just walked out and left her sitting there crying. That was the wrong thing to do I know, but I was just so mad." He stopped and shook his head sadly. "What kind of dad does that? Leaves his daughter crying alone in a restaurant?"

She reached over to grab his hand. "Hey, don't beat yourself up over this. It's normal for kids and parents to fight. That's what they do. You're a great dad and she's a great kid. You're going to get past this."

"I know it's normal, for most families, but not for us. But yes, I know we'll get past this. I'll apologize, She'll apologize again and we'll move on. But I can't take it back. Once the words are out there, you can't take it back. She will never forget the way I talked to her."

"Maybe that's the lesson here, that you can apologize for saying the wrong thing, but once the words are out there, you can't take them back. Anyway, isn't that what parents are for, teaching their children about tough life lessons?" He sat in silence for a minute digesting her words. He was surprised to realize that he felt better. Not great about what had happened, but better. He squeezed her hand and smiled.

"Thank you. For listening."

She squeezed his hand back, then tried to pull away. He held her hand tightly in his. Apparently he still wanted to talk. She forced herself to relax her hand in his, although it made her a little nervous.

"Why didn't you tell me that she had been to the hospital? I get why you didn't tell me at the time, but afterward. You should have told me."

"Simple," she said. "I promised her I wouldn't."

"But weren't you mad? I would've been if I were in your shoes."

"I don't know. Maybe a little at first. But how could I be mad at her when she was just trying to protect you? She did it because she loves you. I guess when someone does the wrong thing for the right reason, it's easy to forgive."

He started absently rubbing slow circles on the palm of her hand with his thumb. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Anything." Although she wasn't sure she would be able to concentrate on anything he said when he was doing that to her hand.

"Are you mad at me for what happened at the hanger that night?"

"Mad at you? No why would I be mad at you?"

"For taking you away from the Captain. I know you wanted to stay and fight. Maybe I should have let you. Maybe he would still be alive if I-"

Even in the semi-darkness, she could see the anguish on his face. "No, Castle. He wouldn't be alive. He would still be dead. And so would I." He didn't look convinced. "You didn't think this was your fault did you? Because it wasn't. Castle, look at me." She waited until he turned to face her. "None of this was your fault. If you hadn't been there..." She paused briefly, then continued. "You saved my life, Castle."

She felt the tension slowly leave his body, and if she wasn't mistaken, his eyes looked suspiciously wet. "I needed to hear that, more than you know."

"I think we better go. It's getting late."

He was reluctant to get up and leave her, but he was anxious to get home and talk to Alexis. He felt emotionally drained, and knowing Beckett, she was too. He still had some things he wanted to talk out with her, but it was going to have to wait. Besides, he really liked this sitting in the dark thing and couldn't wait to find a reason to do it again.

**Martha **was waiting for him when he got home. He looked at her warily. His mother was fiercely protective of Alexis, and he braced himself for the lecture he was sure was coming his way. Instead, she leaped up and gave him a big hug. "Poor Richard. You must be so upset. Come tell me all about it."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about. Didn't Alexis tell you what happened at lunch?"

"Of course she did. The poor girl is devastated. Cried her eyes out and went to bed early."

He looked confused. "I don't get it. Then why the 'Poor Richard' act? Have you been drinking?"

"As a matter of fact, I have, but that's beside the point. Come. Sit down."

He sat down, and waited for her to explain. "Richard, have you ever heard the expression 'This is going to hurt me, more than it's going to hurt you?"

He smiled, "Yeah. All the time growing up right before you would take a swat at me."

"Well, you were a bit of a wild child. I did what I had to do to do to control you. The point is, when a parent has to discipline their child, it hurts them too. If Alexis was that upset, I knew you would be even more so."

"I handled it all wrong. I yelled, I said things I shouldn't. I don't know what got into me."

Martha looked at him intently, "Don't you? Well I'm sure you'll figure it out. But for now, I think someone's waiting upstairs for her father to come up and talk to her."

**The **walk up the stairs seemed to take minutes instead of seconds. When he got to Alexis' room, he knocked softly. He heard her music shut off abruptly and he opened the door just enough to stick his head in. She was sitting on her bed wearing a pair of pink pajama pants and a tank top. Her hair was in a messy ponytail and she had a stuffed bear clasped tightly in her arms. He had a flashback of her sitting in bed when she was four or five waiting for him to come tuck her in.

"Can I come in?"

She didn't answer, but she nodded. Her eyes never left his. He didn't make it all the way to the bed before she jumped up and threw herself in his arms. He squeezed her as hard as he could and didn't let go until she mumbled "Dad, I can't breathe" into his shirt.

She started to talk, but he stopped her. "Me first. I don't like what you did. It was wrong. But I don't like what I did either. I never should have yelled at you like that. I am so, so sorry, sweetheart. And if I am ashamed of anyone, it's myself for treating you the way I did."

"I was afraid you wouldn't forgive me."

"There is nothing you could ever, ever do that I couldn't forgive. And I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I know that you were just trying to protect me. How can I stay mad at you for that?" He gave her another hug. "I love you so much. You know that don't you? More than anything."

"I know. But you love her too, don't you? Beckett."

He didn't know how to answer that, so instead he just kissed her goodnight. As he walked out the door, she called out to him. "Dad!"

"What?"

"Am I grounded?"

He laughed and shut the door, thinking to himself that it really was going to be okay.

**He **went back downstairs and joined his mother on the couch. She handed him a glass of wine. "So, how did it go? All forgiven?

He smiled. "All forgiven. Wow. What a day."

"I notice you were late getting home again today. Any particular reason?"

"Subtly is not your strong suit. Yes, I stayed late to talk with Beckett. Happy?"

"Well, you certainly seem to be."

He got up and headed for bed. "That is because I have a plan."

"What kind of plan? Richard, don't ignore me, what kind of plan?"

"Good night mother," he said as he went up the stairs.

He realized that he had been approaching things with Beckett the wrong way. When they first met, he loved to tease and flirt with her, but as they got to know each other better, they became more serious. In some ways, she had let him in more every day, but at the same time, she seemed more cautious of him physically. He figured it was because she was afraid they were moving too close to the wall she had built, and that scared her. Maybe it was because he worked so hard to see what she tried to keep hidden? Whatever the reason, the harder he tried to move things forward, the faster she ran away. On the way home from work tonight, he had been thinking about the past few days and it had occurred to him that he had made some progress. Why? Because he kept it casual. He didn't draw attention to it, talk about it or try to go further. He held her, then walked away. He held her hand, but acted as if it hadn't made him want more. That's when he had come up with his new plan.

He decided he better get some rest. Tomorrow he planned on testing out his new theory and he couldn't wait!


	10. Chapter 10

A New Beginning

Chapter 10

He Keeps Touching Me

**Beckett **came into work the next morning and immediately wondered where Castle was. She was anxious to find out how things had gone with Alexis. She was also excited because she had been cleared to leave her desk and do some off site investigating. She was still restricted from the most physical parts of her job such as chasing people down, entering buildings where violence was likely, or climbing stairs. But she could at least go to crime scenes, knock on witness' doors and question family members. It was a big step and she was thrilled. She had put the paper work on the Captain's desk and hoped she would see it and send her out on a case.

By 9:00, everyone was gathered around the white board wrapping up their latest case. Everyone but Castle. Beckett pretended that she didn't notice his absence. She purposely avoided looking towards the door. Esposito had busted her yesterday and she didn't plan on him catching her again. That's why when he finally did arrive, she didn't even see him come in. She was sitting on the edge of the desk looking at the board when a coffee cup suddenly appeared over her shoulder. She turned around and her face brushed against Castle's arm. Instead of just walking up to her, he was reaching around her, causing his chest to brush against her back. He moved away quickly and came over to help them out. He smiled. "Morning everyone. What have we got today?"

"We have a new case, is what we've got," the Captain said as she joined them. "I don't have any details yet, just a call to homicide." Ryan and Esposito started to gather up their things. "I'm going to let Beckett take lead on this one boys." She handed the file to Beckett.

Beckett couldn't keep the smile off of her face. "Thank you Ma'am."

"Don't thank me, just go and do your job. Oh, and Castle drives."

"What!" She turned around.

Castle was standing there dangling the keys from his fingers. "Shall we?"

She turned back around. "But Ma'am, I-"

"Castle drives or you stay behind. Doctors orders."

She turned and looked at Castle again. "Fine. Let's go." It wasn't Castle's fault that she couldn't drive, but did he have to look so darn smug.

Castle saw that she was ticked off. He walked by and leaned as close to her face as he could and whispered, "You are so cute when you're mad." Then he quickly walked away before she could respond.

When he got to the car, she was already sitting in the car waiting. "Where to?" He asked.

She didn't answer him.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the driving thing. I know it must be hard for you to let someone else be in control. I'm sure you'll be back behind the wheel in no time."

She looked at him, trying to detect any sarcasm, but didn't sense any. "Thanks."

He reached over and touched her sweater. "Sorry, you had piece of string or something. Anyway, don't worry, it won't be forever" He took his hand away and started the car. She looked at her shoulder where his hand had been and then at him.

After they surveyed the crime scene , Beckett decided to head over to the victim's apartment complex to talk to some neighbors. They knocked on 5 doors and interviewed 3 people, including his wife.

Castle noticed that she was walking a little slower on the way back to the car.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked when she got into the car.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?"

"I don't know. You just look like your in pain."

"Well, maybe that's because I was shot in the chest a few weeks ago. This is just the first time I've walked around so much and it's a little sore. But I'm okay."

She started to reach for her seat belt. He quickly leaned over and said "I'll get that." His whole body had to lean into her so he could reach the seat belt by her window. She pressed her body into the seat as far as she could, but he still managed to brush against her as he gently brought the seat belt across her chest and down into the buckle. "All set?"

"Yeah," she said breathlessly. He put his sunglasses on and gave her a grin before heading back to the station.

They had only been back about a half an hour when they got a call from Lanie asking them to come to the morgue. This time when they got in the car, Beckett quickly got he seat belt on before he could help her.

When they got to the morgue, Beckett looked at him and said. "I'm really sore. Do you think you could drop me off before you park the car?" He looked worried. She quickly added, "I'm okay, I just don't want to over do it".

He pulled the car almost onto the sidewalk to get it as close to the door as possible. He jumped out and opened the car door. He took her hand and helped her out. "Do you need me to walk in with you?" When she said no, he got back in the car and headed for the parking garage. In the rear view mirror, he could see her walking slowly towards the door. As soon as he turned the corner into the garage, Beckett dropped the act and walked quickly into the building and to the morgue where Lanie was waiting.

She started to tell Beckett what she had found, but Beckett stopped her.

"Hold that thought. I have to talk to you. Quickly before Castle gets here." Conscious of the other medical examiners, she lowered her voice and stood close to Lanie as if they were discussing the corpse that was laying on the table in front of them.

"Castle's up to something."

"What kind of something."

"I don't know. He's acting weird." She saw the look on Lanie's face. "Weirder than usual. I just can't figure out what he's up to."

"Well, what's he doing?"

"He keeps touching me."

"Reallly. That is interesting. Like 'touching' you?"

"Shut up Lanie, not like that. Just touching me."

She looked around to make sure Castle hadn't come in yet.

"I'm serious Lanie, I need your help."

"Okay. Start over. So he's touching you. Like how?"

"Well, he... he picked a string off of my sweater. And his arm touched me when he was giving me my coffee." Her face turned red as she realized how it sounded saying it out loud. She had to make Lanie understand. "I'm telling you, he's doing it on purpose."

"Anything else?"

"My chest was hurting and he helped me get my seat belt on."

"So he's being nice?"

"Yes!"

"And helpful?"

"Yes! And he said I was cute when I was mad."

"Have you lost your mind?"

"I'm telling you-"

"Hello Lanie. What do you have for us."

She looked up. "Hey Castle. How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. Not mad at me anymore?"

"Not at the moment anyway. Let me show you why you're here." She leaned over the body and used her scalpel to point to a hole in the victims side. Beckett stood next to her and leaned in too. Castle positioned himself right behind Beckett. He put his hands on her shoulders and had to lean into her back so he could see over her. Beckett and Lanie both slowly turned their heads to look at him. He smiled and backed away. "Sorry, didn't mean to crowd you."

Lanie finished telling them what they needed to know. As they gathered up their notes to go, Beckett caught Lanie's eye. She nodded to indicate that Beckett was right. He's up to something.

"After you," he said to Kate as he opened the door to exit the morgue. He put his hand on her lower back to guide her through the door. Right before he went out, he turned around to look at Lanie and winked. If the door hadn't closed behind him, he would have heard Lanie ask her self quietly, "_What is that boy up to?_


	11. Chapter 11

The New Beginning

Chapter 11

Motherly Advice

**For** the second time in a week, Martha was waiting for Castle before he went in to work. He came down the stairs, whistling, to find her sitting at the bar.

"You sound like you're in a good mood today. Anything to do with your plan?"

"As a matter of fact, it does. I think it's working already."

Martha looked skeptical. "I'm not sure having a plan when it comes to Beckett is such a good idea. She's doesn't strike me as the type to play games. If you ask me, I think you should seriously re-think this plan of yours."

"Did I ask you?" he said teasingly.

"Well, it's your life, but for the record, I think you're making a big mistake."

"Don't worry, mother. I know exactly what I'm doing."

He had gotten a kick out of teasing Beckett yesterday and was anxious to get to work and pick up where he left off. He smiled with anticipation.

**When** he walked into the 12th, Beckett, Esposito, Ryan and Roger were already hard at work. He smiled as he walked over to join them. He sat down next to Beckett on the desk, so close that their thighs were touching. She turned to look at him and raised her eyebrows. She crossed her arms, looking uncomfortable, but didn't move. As they talked about the case, Castle made sure to lean into her as he pointed out different objects on the board. He kept it up for several minutes before he got up to write some ideas. He wrote them down and then turned around to hand the marker to her. As she went to grab it, he intentionally moved his fingers forward a little so they brushed against hers as she took it. She pulled back so quickly that the marker went falling to the floor and rolled under the desk. He picked it up and handed it to her again. She snatched it out of his hand, giving him a dirty look. He looked back innocently. She rolled her eyes and walked away.

He stayed at the board, figuring he probably should spend some time actually working on solving the homicide they had been assigned to. It wasn't long before he made a crucial connection. He looked around until he spotted Beckett and went over to tell her what he had found. He noticed that when he got close to her, her body language changed drastically. She went from standing with her arms hanging loosely at her sides, to standing with them folded across her chest. She also took a step away from him. He, of course, followed, looking at her face intently. Pretending to see something on her upper cheek, he reached up with his thumb to rub 'it' away. The minute his thumb made contact with her cheek, she shot her arm up, swatting his hand out of the way. "Cut it out Castle" she said loudly. Ryan and Esposito shot each other knowing looks. Beckett caught it and walked away from all of them, proclaiming that she was going to lunch. When she got outside, she called Lanie and asked her to meet her at the park.

**When **Lanie got to the park, Beckett was sitting on a bench looking pretty unhappy. When she saw Lanie, she smiled slightly. "Thanks for taking time to meet with me. I just had to get out of the office for a little while."

"Don't you mean get away from Castle? I take it he's still at it."

"I just don't get it. What's his problem? It's like he is going out of his way to make me uncomfortable. And I can't even address it with him, because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much it's bothering me. So I'm stuck just ignoring him."

"_Can_ you just ignore him? Maybe he'll get tired of playing and pick up his toys and go home."

"I'm trying, but it is really starting to irritate me. You know, I kind of thought we were past this and maybe moving toward something more. But it's like we're back to how we started three years ago. Maybe that's it. Maybe he is trying to put distance between us." She looked very troubled about that thought.

That didn't sound right to Lanie, but she had to admit, he was acting strange. She decided maybe she would pay him a visit and see what she could find out.

**Castle **was sitting at his computer looking up information about the suspects he had indentified. He was really trying to put into practice what he had been learning about profiling. He heard a knock at his door and grinned. "_I knew she'd come looking for me," _he thought and got up to open it. His grin changed to a polite smile when he saw Lanie at the door instead of Beckett. He shut the door behind her and went and sat down at his desk. She had that serious 'you're-in-trouble' look on her face that he knew all too well.

"Alright, what now?"

"What are you doing Castle?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know what I mean. You're messing with Beckett, and I want to know why."

He started to deny it, but saw the look on her face and thought better of it.

"Okay. I'm messing with Beckett. I'm just trying to lighten the mood a little. She is just always so determined to keep me at arms' length so I figure-"

"You figure that you'll just keep touching her and teasing her and she'll get used to it and start to be more comfortable with you, just like that?"

He seemed surprised that she had figured out his motive so easily. "Exactly! So you get it?"

"I get it. Now knock it off."

"Knock it off? Why?"

"Well how does it seem to be working out for you so far?"

He thought about it. "Not great. But it's only the second day so-"

"Look Castle. I like you. I like Beckett more, but I like you. I will go out on a limb here and say that I think that you're heart's in the right place. But I'm telling you, this isn't going to work. If I were you, I'd take my advice and knock it off."

Her phone rang and she told him she had to get back to her office but not before one last parting shot. "I'm warning you. You hurt her, and I _will_ make your life miserable.

After she left, Castle thought about what she said. "_First my mother, now Lanie," _he thought to himself. It didn't take long for him to come to a realization. "_They don't __know what they're talking about." _

He left his office and looked around and found Beckett sitting at her desk going through case files. He went and sat on the corner of her desk and waited for her too stop and look at him. She must have known he was there, but she didn't look up. He couldn't see her clearly, because her hair was hanging down shielding her face. A little irritated by being told what to do by Lanie, he decided to up the game a little, anxious to prove her wrong. He reached over and gently brushed the hair out of her face and started to tuck it behind her ear. She jumped up and planted her hands on the desk leaning forward until her face was inches from his. He stepped back when he saw the anger in her face. And not the cute 'I'm pretending to be angry but am secretly amused' angry either.

"Castle. I need to talk to you. Now!" She walked briskly in front of him to his office. As he followed behind her, had a sinking feeling that maybe his mother and Lanie were smarter than he had given them credit for.

He had barely stepped through the door when she immediately got back in his face. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Castle!"

"I, um-"

"Look, I'm not stupid. I know what you're trying to do. Okay, well, I don't know what you're trying to do, but I know that I don't like it."

"I just thought-"

"You just thought what? That I liked being the butt of your jokes all day? Like having Ryan and Esposito snicker at your cleverness? You think it's funny to try and see if you can get me to react? Is this all just a game to you? Because if that's what it is, I don't think I want to play."

Castle stood there in shock. How could he have been so off base? He was so sure that if he could bring the fun back into their friendship she would loosen up with him and they could take a shot at something more. He was scrambling to try and figure out what he could to say that would make this better. He reached over to take her hand, as he had the past two times they had been in the office. He planned on staying here with her until he could make her understand what he had been trying to do.

Instead of walking over to the couch with him, she pulled her hand away forcefully and quietly, but very firmly said, "Don't. Touch. me." She started walking towards the door. When she got to the door she turned around so quickly he almost ran into her. "And don't follow me." He stood in the doorway and watched her as she walked to her desk, grabbed her purse and walked out. He quickly put away his files and headed home. "_Looks like I may need that motherly advice after all"_

**When **Martha arrived home later that night, she found Castle sitting in the dark. She went over and sat down. By the look on his face, she figured that something had happened with Beckett. She sat and patiently waited for him to tell her what it was.

"Well, turns out you were right. My plan was a huge mistake. I seem to be making a lot of those lately."

"Maybe it would help if you told me what your plan actually entailed."

He told her about what he had been doing. "So, let's start out with trying to figure out exactly what you were trying to accomplish."

"I guess I just wanted to make her feel more comfortable with me. I thought if I was not so serious, she might not feel so threatened."

"Did it seem to be working?

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did it seem to be making her feel more comfortable with you?"

He looked back on the last two days. In his mind he saw her crossing her arms, moving away from him whenever possible and several wary, uncomfortable looks. He buried his face in his hands. "I really screwed up didn't I?"

"Yes, I would say you did. Listen, I care for Kate, but she's certainly not your only option. Why are you trying so hard."

"I don't know. I've been married twice. I've had more relationships than is probably socially acceptable. But I have never felt about a woman the way I do about Kate. I think about her first thing in the morning, and she's the last thing on my mind as I go to sleep. I want it to work so badly. But I just can't figure out how to reach her. She'll only let me in so far before she panics and pulls away."

"The thing is," he continued. "I _know_ she has feelings for me. Maybe not love, but strong feelings. It scares me to think that I might not be able to reach her. But what scares me even more is that I might finally break down her wall, and then I can't be what she needs. I could never forgive myself if she finally decided to trust me and I let her down."

Martha was so touched by her son's confession that she found herself blinking back tears. She didn't know Kate that well, but her woman's intuition led her to believe that she just might not be able to accept her son's strong feelings for her. She also believed that her son would not accept that and would continue to fight for the one woman he couldn't have, leading to heartbreak.

Martha asked the obvious question. "Have you told her how you feel?"

"I've tried. She always shuts down. But I'm sure she knows that I would like more than friendship."

"Have you told her that you're scared?"

"No, and I'm not about to. I can't believe I told you, let alone her."

"Richard, I know your life wasn't perfect. You didn't know you're father, I was not the best mother. But if nothing else, we've always shared our feelings freely. You passed that on to Alexis. And if _you_ are having a hard time admitting that you're scared, think about how much harder this must be for Kate."

"So what should I do?"

"My advice is to think long and hard about what you want. If you have any doubts, any at all, then be fair to her and walk away. But if you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is what you want, then I say you do whatever you have to do to break down that wall."


	12. Chapter 12

**The New Beginning**

**Chapter 12**

**The Plan Part II**

**Castle's **day started early. Having tossed and turned much of the night, he finally gave up and got out of bed at a little after 4:00 in the morning. The conversation with his mother the night before laid heavily on his mind. He was taking her advice very seriously this time. He needed to be very sure of what he wanted. Kate deserved that much. He had already admitted that he loved her, but was it the lasting love that she would need? Being married twice before, he wondered if he was a capable of making a relationship last.

He remembered when they had talked about marriage a long time ago. She had said that she wanted her One and Done. At the time, he thought it was cute and little naïve. When he realized that this is what he had to take into consideration it almost took his breath away. For a guy with his track record, the idea was a scary one. But there it was. If she would have him, was he willing to be her One and Done? He looked at the clock and groaned. 4:46am. That's when it hit him. The very fact that he was up at 4:46 in the morning, pacing the living room, trying to decide what to do was the simple answer to his question. Nobody agonizes over a decision this much unless they were very invested in the answer. He knew without a doubt what he wanted. He wanted Kate Beckett. The next logical question was, how was he going to get her?

This was the question that stuck with him on his way to work and led him to his new plan. This one was not based on games or trying to trick her. He'd learned his lesson about that. No, this time his plan was much more sensible. He was going to talk to her. Really talk to her. It sounded easy enough in theory, but this was Beckett, and he knew it was going to be anything but. His biggest challenge was going to be simply getting her stay put long enough to hear him out. He had already figured out that she used anger as a defense mechanism when she was hurt or scared, and that could be a problem. He had a sinking feeling that things between them were going to get a lot worse before, and if, they got better.

When he arrived at work, the first thing that he noticed was that she was not at her desk, or at the board. Since she was not cleared to drive, he assumed she was also not out on an investigation. He looked around until he spotted Esposito who motioned Castle over to his desk.

"Hey, Castle. What's up with Beckett? She okay?"

"Isn't she here?" That wasn't good. Beckett rarely missed work.

"Nope. I figured she was with you. But don't worry, you can work with us today." He smiled. "Or we can send Roger your way. I'm sure he'd be glad to hang with you."

"No, that's okay," he answered quickly. "I need to catch up on some stuff anyway. Let me know if you hear anything about Beckett, okay?"

"Will do, Bro."

Castle went to his office and turned on his computer. He halfheartedly attempted to do some research on-line, but his mind kept wandering. His computer sat idle for so long at one point that his Nikki Heat screen saver popped up. That's when he gave up even trying to concentrate. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed her number. The phone rang several times before going to her voice mail. When he tried again and got the same response he hung up and called Lanie. He was relieved when she answered the phone.

"Hey Lanie, it's Castle. Do you have a minute?"

"Why? What have you done now?"

"What makes you think I've done something?"

"Well, haven't you?"

"Well, technically nothing new. I just got busted for what I was doing before. You were right by the way."

"Well of course I was right. How bad is it?"

"I'm not sure. She yelled at me and walked out."

"Ouch."

"Have you heard from her today?"

"Isn't she at work?"

"No, and that's not like her to miss work."

" Did you try calling her?"

"Of course. But I figured she might be screening her calls and ..."

"And you think she might not pick up, I get it. Let me try and I'll call you back."

"Thanks Lanie, you're the best."

"Suck up," she said before hanging up the phone.

Less than five minutes later, his phone rang. He peeked at the caller ID before picking it up. He was hoping to see Beckett's name, but wasn't surprised to see Lanie's instead.

"Hey Lanie. Any luck?"

"No. I called three times. No answer. I'm gonna put my friend here back on ice and drive over and make sure she's okay."

"Actually, I was thinking I might head over there. She didn't give me a chance to explain myself last night, so I'd like to go and talk to her anyway."

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Sometimes it's best to give her space when she's upset."

He wasn't sure what to do. It seemed like every time he ignored someone's advice, he ended up regretting it, but now that he had made the decision to make things work with Kate, he didn't want to waste anymore time.

"I'd feel better if I at least tried," he told Lanie. "I'm going to try calling her one more time and if she doesn't answer, I'm going over."

"Okay. But do me a favor. If you mess this up, will you call me so I can go over do some damage control?"

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence."

She laughed. "Good luck Castle."

**Beckett** was working up a sweat as she repeatedly pounded her punching bag. She probably shouldn't be working out this hard, but she had always used exercise as a way of releasing stress, and she needed it today. When the phone rang again, she stopped briefly, glancing down at the display. "_He just doesn't give up?" _she thought to herself when she saw the name 'Castle' flashing on the screen. Ignoring the call, she wiped the sweat off of her forehead and went to get a drink before collapsing on the couch.

She should be exhausted since she hadn't slept the night before. Physically she was, but no matter how hard she tried, sleep just wouldn't come. She wasn't sure exactly what was wrong. She was mad at Castle, of course, but there was more to it then that. She just couldn't put her finger on it.

Just as she was getting up to get a shower, she heard a knock at the door. "_Please tell me it isn't Castle_," she said to herself. She was not emotionally prepared to talk to him right now. "_Chances are it's just Lanie_," she thought hopefully. She had, after all, called several times, and it was just like Lanie to show up if she was worried about her.

While she was debating about whether or not to answer, there was another knock, this time louder. She walked over to the door and stood up on her toes to look out of the peep-hole. When she saw Castle standing there, she quickly moved away as if he could see her looking out. She started to slowly walk backwards away from the door as quietly as she could, so he wouldn't hear her footsteps. Maybe he would think she wasn't home. As if he could read her mind, there was another loud knock followed by, "I know you're in there. Come on Kate, don't do this. Open the door." She held her breath, still hoping he would give up and go away. When he knocked again, she rolled her eyes and finally gave in.

She opened the door just enough for Castle to see her standing in the doorway. She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorjamb. "What do you want Castle?"

"You weren't at work and didn't answer the phone so I just wanted to check and see if you were okay."

"Well, you checked and as you can see, I'm fine."

She didn't look fine to him. She had dark circles under her eyes that stood out like bruises. She must not have slept any better than he had. "Can I come in?"

"Now's not really a good time." She started to close the door, but he put his foot in it's path preventing it from shutting.

"Please, Kate. Just for a minute."

With a loud sigh she opened the door a wider. "Sure."

He quickly came in as if he were worried she would change her mind. He cautiously looked around the room.

"What are you looking for?" she asked.

"You said now wasn't a good time. I thought maybe Josh was here."

"Josh? No. We, umm, actually stopped seeing each other a while ago." Changing the subject she asked, "So what do you need that is so important?"

He walked over and sat down at the table. She looked like she wanted to remain standing, but reluctantly went and sat down across from him. He almost forgot why he was here as he tried to wrap his mind around the fact that she and Josh weren't together. As badly as he wanted to ask her about that, he decided to tuck that bit of information away for now. He wanted to make sure he had the chance to tell her what he came over to say.

"I wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry for the last couple of days. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I don't get it, Castle. Why the sudden interest in trying to irritate me?"

"Believe it or not, my goal was not to irritate you."

"Well, what was your goal? Or were you just bored?"

Instead of answering her, he asked her a question. "Do you remember when I first started shadowing you for my writing?"

"Of course. How could I forget."

"Do you remember how I used to tease you, flirt with you?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Do you know why I did that?"

"To annoy me?"

"No. Well, sometimes. But it was more than that."

"Because you were a playboy? Maybe you thought it would help you 'get lucky?" As soon as she said it, she looked away as if embarrassed.

"Nope. I didn't have to tease women to 'get lucky'."

"Okay, I give up. Why?" She tried to sound like she wasn't interested in his explanation, but didn't think she completely pulled it off.

"It was the only way I found that I could connect with you. If I would have approached you like I did other women I wanted, you would have run as far and fast as you could. So instead, I would tease and flirt with you. At first you seemed like you were truly annoyed by it, but after a while, I could tell that you secretly liked it. You're reactions were so cute. Later, when you started feeling more comfortable with me you even started flirting back. It was fun. And it was safe." When he mentioned that it was safe, she looked away. He knew he had hit a sore spot. Playing it safe was important to her. "The longer we worked together, the teasing began to be replaced by something better, more real. Friendship."

He stopped for a minute to gather his thoughts. What he planned to say next was going to get into more serious territory and he was worried that she might use it as an excuse to end their conversation. He planned his words carefully. "At some point I realized that being your friend wasn't enough for me. It happened so gradually that I couldn't tell you when things changed, but they did. I wanted more. I still do." As soon as he finished his sentence, he could see that he had gone too far for her comfort. He watched the struggle playing itself out on her face. He held his breath, waiting to see what she was going to do.

She stood up, doing the best she could to hide the fear that was welling up inside her. As she walked past him towards the kitchen, he grabbed her wrist and held it gently.

"Let go Castle," she said. Her voice was so quiet that he almost didn't hear it. She sounded tired and scared that he almost granted her wish and let go. He figured they could do this another time, when she was stronger. But he realized that next time would be the same thing, and the next time. Nothing would change. He had come here to tell her how he felt, and he was going to do his best to get her to listen.

She pulled away from him to get him to let go over her wrist. He let it slip out of his hand, but grabbed her hand instead. "Castle, I said let go." "_That was better," _she thought. She didn't sound so scared now, just mad. Mad was easier.

"I'll let go, but you need to sit back down."

"I don't _need_ to do anything. You said you just needed a minute. Your minute was up a long time ago. Can't we just finish talking about this tomorrow?"

"No, Kate, we can't. Don't you see. This is exactly what I'm talking about. The minute things get serious, you run. Just let me finish what I have to say, then I'll go." Although he could see she didn't want to, she nodded and he let her go. She didn't sit back down, but she stayed in the room.

"In the past, every time I tried to get you to talk about us, you would walk away, or push me away. I knew it was making you uncomfortable, so I made up this stupid plan to try to go back to how things were when we first met, thinking if I backed off and made things less serious you would start to feel safe with me again. So that's what the last couple of days have been about. I just wanted you to know that I wasn't trying to irritate you, or embarrass you and I really am sorry."

The silence that followed his apology was deafening. He looked at her, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She was looking at him like they had been discussing something as mundane as the weather. He was glad she didn't look mad, but he had been hoping for some reaction. Finally she nodded and simply said, "Okay." She walked over to the door, obviously his cue that their visit was over.

He got up and walked to the door. "Okay? You don't have anything else to say to all that? Just 'okay'?"

"Look Castle, you asked me to listen and I did. You apologized, I accepted. What else do you want from me?"

"You really want to know what I want? I want to know how you feel about what I just told you."

"_How do I feel?" _she asked herself. She had so many feelings rushing over her it was hard to even sort them out. Scared, nervous, excited and confused seemed to stand out. She couldn't get herself to share any of them, of course, which led to another powerful feeling. Anger. Not at Castle, but at herself. She was sure he thought she was playing games, or trying to be difficult. What other explanation could there be for a grown woman to keep acting the way she did. She felt like such an idiot. To her complete humiliation, she felt the sting of tears in her eyes as the whole situation just became overwhelming.

"Please can we talk about this later, Castle?"

He remembered the commitment he had made to himself not to leave without some kind of resolution. He was so frustrated with the whole situation, and starting to get angry. But then she looked at him and all of his anger drained away. She just looked so tired and he couldn't miss the shimmer of tears in her eyes. He couldn't make himself push her anymore. Not tonight.

"Sure. We'll talk about it later. Try and get some sleep. See you tomorrow?"

She looked surprised that he had given in as easily as he did. "Yeah, see you tomorrow."

After he walked out, she watched him until he disappeared from her view before slowly shutting the door. She should have felt relieved that he was gone, and she did to some extent. She also felt like she had let an opportunity slip through her fingers. Again. She decided that she had some heavy soul searching to do. She needed to figure out what she wanted. She was sure that Castle wasn't going to wait forever for her to make up her mind.


	13. Chapter 13

The New Beginning

Chapter 13

Worth the Risk?

**Beckett **woke up the next morning with a slight head ache and a bad case of nerves. She anticipated that today was going to be a difficult one. She was tempted to just go back to bed and pull the covers over her head, but she knew that wasn't the answer. She was concerned because she had given into that impulse yesterday. In the past, she would never have let a rough day keep her from showing up to work and doing her job. Once again, she began worrying that all of the things that had happened in the past two months had changed her. She was supposed to be the strong, confident Detective Beckett who was able to hide her fears and insecurities. It was all she knew and it defined her. With the added Castle situation, she felt that her life was spinning out of control. She was worried that she was losing herself.

"Why couldn't Castle leave well enough alone?" she wondered, talking to herself in the mirror while she got ready. Saying the words 'I want more' out loud changed everything. Saying it out loud meant it needed to be addressed and dealt with. She didn't know why she had been so upset when he had told her that, though. It's not like they didn't already know that they had feelings for each other. She thought about all of the many indirect ways Castle had told her how he felt over the past year. She thought of the compliments he had given her, the times he had come over to make sure she was okay and let's face it, just the fact that he showed up at the 12th every day, even before he was hired to work there. Then there was L.A.. He had figured out where she was going and made sure to be there to support her. Although he still hadn't said it outright, there was no way she could have missed that he had feelings for her after they had talked at the hotel.

Done with her make-up and hair, she went to get her jewelry out of the drawer. Seeing the folded up piece of paper reminded of yet another way he had shown her how much he cared. She opened it up and re-read it. _They had to get security to get him to leave, he slept in the chair, tears when he saw her scar. _

On her part, she had... Beckett frowned as she tried to think of exactly how she had shown him how she felt. "_Come on, Beckett. There must be something." _She drew a complete blank. Surely she had done something. The closest she had come was in L.A., when she came back out of her room to... to what she didn't know, but the point was, she came back out. _"That doesn't really count, though does it, since he didn't even know I came back out. And what was it that I said after he told me he that he was amazed by my strength, my heart... Oh yeah. 'You're not so bad yourself.'" _Really? That was the best she could do after he opened up to her like that? Then she hadn't even told him about breaking up with Josh.

"_No wonder he feels that we need to talk_," she thought.

Exploring her feelings had never been easy for her, since she tended to ignore any that made her feel weak or scared. It would be even worse with Castle because he was so observant and would see more than she was ready for him to see. "_Maybe that's why I push him away?_"

When she arrived at work, but before going in, she called Lanie.

"Hey Beckett, how are you? I heard you missed work yesterday?"

"I'm okay. Well sort of. That's why I'm calling. Can you meet me for dinner tonight?"

"Of course. Is this about Castle?"

"Why? Has he been talking to you about me?" For some reason this bothered her.

"Not really. He called me yesterday because he was worried about you. I can't blame him, I'm a little worried myself."

"Don't worry. Just say you'll meet me for dinner. Somewhere that serves alcohol would be great. I could use a drink."

"Ooh. This is serious. Six 0'clock at Rosie's work for you?"

"Perfect. See you then."

She felt better already. Lanie made a good sounding board and hopefully would help her figure some things out. Now if she could just get through the day. How was she supposed to react to Castle today after last night?

**All **of the members of the team were gathered around the white board when she walked in. She was running late, so they had started without her. She smiled as she walked by her desk and saw the hot cup of coffee waiting for her. She grabbed it and went to join them. Castle was leading a discussion about the case, and was giving them a profile of what he thought the suspect would be like. The board was filled with his notes.

Beckett was not a fan of profiling. She felt that her way of examining the evidence and putting together the pieces was the most logical way of solving a case. If the Captain had brought on a different profiler, she probably would have protested. Because it was Castle, though, she was trying to keep an open mind.

It felt strange not being the one to be in charge. She was almost always the one standing there asking the questions, pointing out facts. She watched Castle and could see how excited he was to be up there leading.

"Hey Beckett," Castle called out when he noticed she had arrived. He suddenly looked uncomfortable in his role of leader. "I was just sharing some ideas. Here." He threw her the marker, symbolically handing the case back over to her. She threw it right back.

"Nope, this one's all you Castle."

Castle looked surprised but continued. She sat on the edge of the desk and participated, but made a conscious effort to let him stay in charge. When he was done, Ryan and Esposito left to make some phone calls.

"Nice job Castle."

He looked at her suspiciously, wondering if she was being sarcastic.

"Thanks. I didn't mean to take over, it's just, you weren't here yet and-"

"It's okay. The way you profiled the suspect should help us narrow things down quicker. I think your profiling is going to bring a lot to the force."

The look he gave her was priceless and she had to smile. "What's wrong Castle, can't take a compliment?"

When he said, "I'm just not used to getting them from you," her smile disappeared.

"_What's that about," _he wondered. "Hey, I was just kidding."

She didn't know what to say to that so she just nodded.

They sat there without talking for a minute. Finally Castle broke the silence asking, "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. I um,-"

Before she could say anything more, Roger called from his desk, "Hey Castle, come here! You've got to see this."

Castle got up and went over to see what Roger was was so excited about. It was something on the computer about the case. Beckett sat at her desk working while she waited for him to finish. When he was done, he walked to his office instead of back to her desk. She tried to tell herself that it didn't bother her, but it did.

About twenty minutes later, her desk phone rang.

"Beckett."

"Hey, it's me, can you come into my office for a minute?"

She took a deep breath. This was the moment she had been dreading all day, when he was going to try and finish the conversation from last night. She had no idea what she wanted to say, or how to say it.

Standing tall, she briskly walked to his office, determined not to show how nervous she was. She knocked quietly then let herself in.

He was sitting at his computer and writing notes. "Hey, come here. Look at this. Roger found out something very interesting on the business website of our client." She walked over to the computer, and looked over his shoulder. What she saw was interesting, and it moved their case into a whole different direction. They discussed it for a several minutes.

When they were done, she stood there waiting. When he didn't say anything else it slowly dawned on her that he had only called her in to see the website, not as a ruse to talk to her.

"Well, if that's it, I'm gonna go back to my desk."

"Sure. Thanks."

She walked out puzzled by his behavior. She worked alone until 4:30 then she decided to leave so she had time to go home and change before meeting Lanie for dinner. As she walked by his office she yelled out, "See you tomorrow, Castle."

He responded with a distracted "Night Beckett."

**An **hour and a half later, she and Lanie were sitting down to dinner. As she had stated earlier, they were starting their meal off with a drink.

"I think I'll have a strawberry Margarita," Beckett told the waiter after they ordered their food.

Lanie smiled and said, "I think I'll have a Sex on the Beach." She winked at Beckett when she gave her an incredulous look.

"What?"

"Umm, nothing. Thanks for meeting me. Again. I'm afraid this is starting to become a habit."

"Maybe I should start charging for advice. Between you and Castle, I could save up for a nice vacation this summer." Beckett gave her a dirty look. "Hey, lighten up. You know I'm always here for you. So tell Lanie all about it."

Beckett spent the next twenty minutes filling her in on what had happened the night before. Then she started filling her in on today.

"He acted like last night had never happened. He wasn't upset, wasn't avoiding me. He certainly wasn't trying to take up where we left off. He was just... Castle. A little more subdued than usual, but that's about it. Of course who can blame him. He's probably afraid to joke around too much because I might blow up like last time." She buried her face in her hands. "I have made such a mess of things."

Lanie motioned for the waiter and ordered two more drinks.

"Okay. First things first. How do you feel about him?"

"I don't know. I know that he's my best friend. My best guy friend", she added quickly so as not to offend Lanie. "We get along well. He makes me laugh. I have gotten so used to having him around, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here."

Lanie just looked at her. "That's it? I know there is more to it than that. You are just describing your relationship with him as it is now. But how do you _feel _about him?"

Beckett felt the familiar uncomfortable feeling in her chest that she got when confronted about her feelings. If she couldn't talk about this with Lanie, how was she ever going to be able to talk about it with Castle?

"I think I need another drink," Beckett said, motioning to the waiter.

Lanie waved him away when he approached the table. She remembered that Beckett's father had become an alcoholic when her mother died. Drinking under stress was never a good idea. While she couldn't imagine Beckett having a problem with alcohol, she felt it was safer to err on the side of caution.

"Let's think about this another way," Lanie suggested. "Tell me about what happened with Josh. Why'd you two break up. Did he do something?"

"No. He wasn't around all the time, but he was a great guy. He's dedicated to his causes, a successful surgeon. We were really compatible. I liked him a lot."

"Good looking too. Sounds perfect. What about that other guy you were dating before. Demming?"

"He was great too. We had a lot in common." She smiled. "And yes, he was good looking."

"And he didn't do anything wrong, right?"

"Right."

"So you had not one, but two, good looking guys who you got along well with and had a lot in common with. Didn't do anything wrong. And yet, you broke up with both of them. Now why to you think that is?"

"It's hard to say exactly."

"Come on, Beckett. You want my help? Meet me half way."

"Fine. I broke up with them because I had feelings for Castle, and it wasn't fair to string them along. Happy?"

Lanie smiled. "As a matter of fact, yes I am. Now that wasn't so hard was it?"

Beckett smiled back. "As a matter of fact, yes it was. But it felt good to say it out loud. Of course that doesn't solve my problem. What am I going to do, go up to him tomorrow and tell him I have feelings for him? Even if I could, what then? It was different with the other guys I've dated. Everything just seemed so easy, so natural. Even breaking up. I'm not saying I never felt bad, but I don't remember ever feeling devastated like my friends were when they broke up with their boyfriends. Even with Josh, I mostly just felt guilty for hurting him. But with Castle, it just seems so complicated. Why is that, Lanie?"

"I think you are the only one who can answer that."

She nodded. "Well what am I supposed to do now?"

"I guess you have a decision to make. Either he's worth the risk, or he's not. If he's not, than you need tell him."

"And if he is? I'm not saying he is," she said quickly. "But if he is, then what?"

"Well, that's between you and Castle. Listen, Castle can be annoying, immature, loud-"

"Lanie!"

"Oh, sorry. I got carried away. Anyway, Castle may not be perfect, but he cares about you and he's got a good heart. Just talk to him."

"You make it sound so easy."

"I do, don't I? I know it's not easy. Nothing worth having ever is."

Beckett got up and gave Lanie a hug. "Thank you again. You're the best. I don't know what I'm going to do, but you've helped. A lot." She walked out, leaving Lanie alone.

Lanie motioned for another drink. "_Lanie, you are good,_" she told herself with a smile.


	14. Chapter 14

**The New Beginning**

**Chapter 14**

**Last Chance?**

**The** following day, Castle came into work and went straight to his office. While he worked, he watched Beckett through his window. He felt like he could watch her for hours and never get bored. She was writing notes on the white board as she did every morning. He was amused to see that she casually looked around towards his office every so often as if checking to see if he was coming out. He knew that she would be embarrassed if she knew he had seen her. He was sure she would come up with some witty excuse if he pointed it out, never admitting what she was really doing.

When she was alone at her desk, he finally came out of his office and went to see her.

"Hey, Beckett. How's it going? Any new leads?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact there are. We had a witness come forward. I'm heading over there to question her in a few minutes. You coming?"

Now that Castle was a profiler, he didn't join her in every aspect of the investigations anymore. She still saw him every day, but they weren't together every minute like they used to be. She missed that and hoped he agreed to go with her.

"Yeah, sure. Let me grab my keys."

"Don't bother. I'm driving." She grabbed her keys and headed for the elevator. "Don't worry, I've been cleared," she added when he started to protest.

They got in her car and she drove to the restaurant where their witness was working. Talking with her led them to another witness on the other side of town. By the time they were done following up on all of the leads, it was after five o'clock.

Deciding to call it a day, they were walking back to her car, when a delivery truck that was parked by the curb started up with a loud bang, as the exhaust backfired. Castle kept walking, thinking nothing of it. When he got to the car though, he noticed that Beckett wasn't with him. He turned around to look for her, but she had disappeared. He frantically searched for her and finally spotted her sitting down in a nearby alley with her back against the wall. It only took him a second to realize what had happened. The backfiring truck sounded an awful lot like a gunshot, and for Beckett it was obviously bringing back some bad memories.

He ran over and knelt down in front of her. "Hey, it's okay. It was just a truck." He started to help her up, but she pulled away from him.

"I don't need your help, Castle! Just... just give me a minute." Her words were angry, but he could see that she was shaking, and struggling to catch her breath. She sat there a couple of minutes before she slowly stood up.

"I'm fine. Let's go."

When they got to the car, he saw that her hands were shaking so badly that she was having a hard time getting the door unlocked. He gently grabbed her hand to stop the shaking and slipped the keys out of her grasp. She tried to grab them back.

"I said I'm fine. Give me the keys."

When he refused to give them to her, she finally walked around to the passenger side and got in, slamming the door hard. He started the car and started driving. She kept her face stubbornly facing the passenger side window, but he could tell that she was crying. He wished he knew what to say to make her feel better, but sensed that she wouldn't welcome any words of comfort at the moment.

Instead of driving back to the 12th, he decided to drive her home and get a cab back to his car. They drove to her apartment in silence. When they got there, she waited in the car for him to come around and open the door, which was so un-Beckett like that he started to really worry about her. They walked up to her door and he used her key to unlock it. She walked in and went straight to her room, leaving him standing in the open doorway.

As she started to shut her bedroom door she looked up and seemed surprised to see that he was still standing there.

"Night, Castle. I'll see you tomorrow."

"I had to call a cab. Is it okay if I wait until it gets here?"

"Umm. Sure. I'm going to get a shower. You can just leave my keys on the table on your way out."

While he waited for the cab, he gave into the impulse to look around a little. He smiled when he saw her extensive Richard Castle collection in her book shelf. He did a quick count to see if there were any she didn't have. He pulled a few out, and he could tell by the pages that they had been read often. He did a double take when he opened up the front cover of one of his earlier books and saw that it had been autographed. He thought back trying to remember if he had given it to her, but was sure he hadn't. He couldn't believe it. At some point she had stood in line to get his autograph. That piece of information would come in handy one day, he thought with a smile.

He heard the shower turn off and quickly put the book back on the shelf where he had gotten it. He didn't want to get caught snooping.

He was sitting innocently on the couch when she came into the living room. She stopped short when she saw him there, obviously expecting for him to be gone already.

"What are you doing here, Castle."

"Sorry, I'm still waiting for my cab," he answered truthfully.

She stood there looking uncomfortable. She was wearing a worn pair of sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt. Her hair was wet from the shower. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying and she wasn't wearing any make-up. She thought she looked awful. Castle thought she looked adorable, although he knew better that to say it out loud.

She walked over and sat down on the couch next to him. He waited without saying anything, knowing that she would talk when she was ready. It didn't take long.

"When I heard that truck backfire, I thought for sure it was a gun shot. I panicked, Castle. I don't even remember running away. One minute I was walking to the car, and the next I was hiding in the alley. I feel like such an idiot."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm a cop. I'm not supposed to run and hide when I hear gun shots."

"You're a cop who has been through more in the last two months than most people have have been through in a lifetime. You're reaction was normal under the circumstances. You know that."

She gave a small shrug. "I don't know. I guess. I just don't like feeling so..."

"Scared?"

She got up and walked over to the window. He followed her, standing behind her. "It's okay to be scared, Kate. Everyone get's scared."

She turned around quickly. "No, it's not okay. Not for me. I can't do my job if I'm scared. I can't be me if I'm scared." Her voice broke, and she bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. He opened his arms and prayed she would let him comfort her. She didn't hesitate, but took the couple of steps she needed to take to fall into his arms. He held her tightly, just letting her cry. He stood there rubbing her back and whispering that it was going to be okay.

They stood like that for several minutes until he finally felt her relax in his arms and knew that she had cried as much as she needed to. He stepped back to look at her. Although she had stopped crying, he could still see the tears drying on her cheeks. Without thinking, he reached down and held her face in his hands, using his thumbs to gently wipe them away. As soon as he realized what he was doing he stopped. He started to apologize, but she stopped him, reaching up and briefly covering his mouth with her fingertips. Without taking her eyes off of his, she slowly leaned forward and kissed him gently. He was so shocked that he pulled his head back breaking the contact. She immediately leaned into him again. This time when she kissed him, it was much more forcefully, pressing her body tightly against his and grabbing his shirt in her fists.

The feeling of having her in his arms was indescribable. Everything he had thought it would be and more. Her taste, her smell, the way she fit in his arms like she had been made for him. She was perfect.

"_But _s_omething's not right_," he thought to himself. He quickly pushed the thought away, too caught up in the thrill of of this unexpected moment to follow that instinct.

When she suddenly stepped back and started to remove her shirt, he couldn't ignore it anymore. "Kate, stop!" He grabbed her hands, forcing her to keep her shirt down.

She looked at him hurt and confused. "Why? What's wrong?"

"You're not thinking straight, that's what's wrong. You're scared and looking for something, anything, to make you forget that. But this isn't the way to do it."

"Maybe it's not, but don't I get to decide how to deal with _my_ feelings? I don't get it, Castle. I thought this what you wanted? You've been chasing me long enough, so what's your problem?"

He was so shocked by the hurtful tone in her voice that he didn't answer.

"Is this some kind of game to you?"

"What? No, of course not!"

"Maybe you just couldn't stand the idea that I wouldn't fall all over you like one of your adoring fans. Is that it? You were determined that I wouldn't be 'the one that got away'?"

"Come on, you know better than that."

"Do I? All I know is that you keep accusing me of running away, and the minute I stop running, you're no longer interested. That sounds like game playing to me, _Rick_."

"Well it's not, _Kate_. What's your problem anyway? Sometimes I get so tired of trying to get through to you. It's like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall." He knew his words were hurtful, but at the moment he didn't care. What he said was true. He was getting so frustrated with her. No matter what he said, she just continued to think the worst of him.

"Well maybe you should stop trying! Did it ever occur to you that maybe you can't get through to me because I'm just not that interested? That just because I care about you as a friend doesn't mean that I want more? That maybe, just maybe, that's why I keep pushing you away? Because I'm trying not to hurt your feelings?"

She walked away from him and went to her bedroom. She turned around and said, "Lock the door on your way out," before going into the room and shutting the door.

Castle walked out feeling a both hurt and angry. Now what was he supposed to do?

**The** next morning, Martha was coming in just as Castle was coming down the stairs. She took one look at him and knew something was wrong.

"Richard, you look awful. Do you feel alright?"

"I've been better," he replied.

Alexis was already in the kitchen making breakfast. She also was concerned when she saw him. "Dad, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just a bad night."

Martha suspected that whatever was bothering him had something to do with Beckett. Not being one to be subtle, she asked him directly, "So. How are things going with Kate?"

Before he could answer, they were interrupted when Alexis' cell phone rang. She rolled her eyes. "It's Sarah. I have to take it. She's having a crisis." She walked away to take the call in another room.

He filled his mother in on what had happened the night before, leaving out the personal details. It was too hard to think about at that point, let alone talk about it with his mother. "Could I really have been that off base? I mean, I didn't think she was in love with me or anything, but I did think she had feelings for me. That we had a chance. Then again, I suppose it's easy to see what you want to see, isn't it?

Martha tried to sound positive and upbeat when she said, "Don't worry, there are lots women out there that would be thrilled to catch a handsome mystery writer/police profiler."

Before he could answer, Alexis came back in. "Sorry. Sarah had a fight with her boyfriend and needed some advice."

"So what did they fight about? You know I love to give advice when it comes to matters of the heart."

"I know, Gram. She's mad at him because he had to go to football practice, but he had promised her they would hang out. She told him she doesn't want to see him again."

Castle looked appalled. "What? That's doesn't seem fair. She told him that she didn't want to see him again just because he had practice?"

"Well, she didn't actually tell him _why_ she didn't want to see him again, just that she didn't want to. That's for him to figure out. Besides, she isn't _really_ mad, of course. She just wants to see what he will do."

"Why would she do that?"

Martha said, "Because she needs to know, of course."

"I'm lost. Needs to know what exactly?"

Alexis gave him her 'you are so dense, dad' look. "Well, if she gets mad and breaks up with him and he just accepts it and moves on, then she will know that he isn't that into her after all."

"On the other hand," Martha chimed in, "If he demands to know what's wrong and refuses to walk away-"

"Then she will know that he really cares about her," Alexis finished.

"So she's testing him?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"And this happens often? This testing the boys. Do the boys test the girls too?"

"Not really. It's kind of a girl thing."

"What about you? Do you do this with Ashley? Start non-existent fights?"

"No. I don't have to. Some girls just worry more about stuff like that. I don't know, I guess she's more insecure or something. She just wants to be sure he really likes her, you know? That's it not just a game to him."

It only took a minute for what Alexis said to sink in. She had said that Sarah needed to make sure that it wasn't just a game to her boyfriend. That she needed to see if he would refuse to walk away.

He looked at Alexis. "So it's really important to her that he refuses to walk away, right?"

"Of course. How else is she going to trust him?"

He jumped off of the stool and kissed her on the top of her head. "You just gave me an idea. I gotta go. See you tonight!"

What if he wasn't so off base about Beckett after all? He didn't think that she was the type to test him, but it made perfect sense that after she was forced to admit her fear, that she would do whatever she had to do to avoid it in the future. He knew that she was smart enough to know that the only thing that would make him give up would be if she convinced him that she had no feelings for him outside of friendship. He might be completely wrong, but his gut feeling was that he was right. Ten minutes ago, he had the weight of the world on his shouldesr. Now he felt like he could fly. This wasn't over after all. This may be his last chance, and he wasn't about to blow it!


	15. Chapter 15

**The New Beginning**

**Chapter 15**

**She Lied**

**When **she woke up the next morning, Beckett felt that all too familiar, vague sense of dread that she had almost every morning now. As soon as she had opened her eyes, the memory of yesterday's events came flooding back. The backfiring truck, the panic attack in the alley, being too upset to drive, Castle driving her home. She felt her face grow hot with embarrassment as she remembered what happened next. How she had thrown herself at Castle, knowing that if he hadn't pushed her away, they would have ended up in bed together. "_How am I going to face him today_?" she wondered, feeling close to panicking again. "_Then again, maybe I won't have to_," she thought to herself. She figured he was so mad, hurt or both that he would probably avoid her like the plague.

**Castle **had decided that the best thing for him to do was to stay out of Beckett's way for the day. He knew she was going to be embarrassed about what had happened yesterday and would probably want to stay away from him.

He had the opposite problem. He wanted nothing more than to spend every second with her. He had gotten a small taste of they could have if he played his cards right, and it was driving him crazy. Since he didn't think the best way to handle the situation was to scoop her up and carry her off to finish what she had started, he decided it was best if he stayed in his office as much as possible for the day. He could use that time to figure out how to proceed so they could get this resolved once and for all.

That's where he was when she arrived at work. Sitting at his desk flipping through an abnormal psychology book. He actually sensed when she walked into the building. He stood up and went to watch her through the window in his office door. Before she sat down, she glanced over at his door and their eyes met through the glass. She quickly looked away.

Beckett took a deep, cleansing breath and went to find Ryan and Esposito. She wasn't about to let her personal issues interfere with her job any more. She decided to throw herself into the case in hopes that it would take her mind off of Castle. It worked for a little while. Until Esposito decided that he wanted Castle's opinion on something and motioned for him to join them.

He did, but soon wished he hadn't. Things started off bad and only got worse as the day went on. He stood as far from her as he could without being obvious, but she wouldn't take her eyes off the board, and they both kept losing track of the conversation, lost in their own thoughts. The case was going nowhere, and everyone in the group could feel the tension.

Ryan finally pulled Esposito aside and asked, "Do you know what's going on?"

Esposito shook his head. "No idea, but whatever it is, it's not good."

"Maybe we should ask them. You know, get it out in the open."

"I'll ask Castle later. You can talk to Beckett."

Ryan looked at her nervously. "No way. I'll talk to Castle, _you_ talk to Beckett."

They quickly dropped the subject when the Captain walked up. She must have overheard them though, because she said, "I've got an idea. How about if I talk to them?"

Before they could argue, she marched over to where Beckett and Castle were both studying the board intently. "I need a word in my office please."

They walked to her office in silence. When the door shut, the Captain said, "I don't need to know what's going on, as a matter of fact I don't want to know what's going on. What I do want to know is, who killed our victim and why. Do you two think you can pull yourselves together and try and answer this for me?"

Beckett was trying hard to maintain her composure, but Castle could tell that she was close to losing it. The last thing she needed right now was to feel that her job was in jeopardy or that the new Captain would think that she was incompetent.

He scrambled to think of something to say. "I'm sorry Captain," he offered. "It's my fault. I have been so excited about my new role that I have been taking over the investigations a little too much. It has thrown the team off."

"It is my understanding that this team worked well together before your arrival Mr. Castle. I have seen some great profiles from you, but if having you in that role is going to interfere with the team's ability to solve cases, I may need to re-think things."

Beckett couldn't keep quiet anymore. She wasn't going to allow Castle to take responsibility for this situation. "Captain, I-"

"Don't worry Captain," he interrupted. "I promise I won't let it happen again."

After a brief consideration, she nodded her head. "Make sure that it doesn't."

They went back to the white board where Ryan and Esposito were standing waiting for them to work on the case. They looked at Castle and Beckett nervously, worried that they had done something to get them in trouble. She gave them a small smile to reassure them that she wasn't mad. "Can I, uh, have a few minutes with Castle, please?"

They both left quickly and went to their own desks, trying to eavesdrop without being too obvious.

"Grab a chair, Castle," she said and sat down at her desk.

He pulled up a chair next to her desk and waited for her to say whatever it was she was going to say.

"Thank you for that. What you said to the Captain. You didn't have to do that."

"No problem. I had to say something." Assuming their conversation was over, he got up to go.

"Castle, wait," she said. "I owe you an apology. For yesterday. You were just trying to help me and I had no right to treat you the way that I did. I was just scared and... and embarrassed." She could feel herself blushing and looked down, letting her hair hide her face.

"Kate, you don't ever have to be embarrassed. About anything. Not with me." She briefly looked up and smiled at him, but quickly looked away again.

"I said things that I shouldn't have said. You didn't deserve it and I'm sorry."

"Are you sorry because you were telling me the truth about how you feel, even though it hurt me, or are you sorry because you lied to push me away?"

"Castle, I-"

"The truth, Kate. I need to know the truth."

She finally looked at him. "And what if I say I just want to be friends? What then?"

"Of course I'm not going to keep pushing you for more, if you that's not what you want. If you tell me you just want to be friends, then we'll be just friends. And if you do have feelings for me, but you're not ready to act on them yet, then I'll wait until you are ready, and we can figure it out together."

He surprised them both when he reached over and took her hand. "But what I will _not_ do is leave you. If you push me away, I'll push back. If you run away, I'll come and find you. Because whether it's as your friend, or more, I need you in my life.

He abruptly dropped her hand and went back to his office before she could answer him. For the first time, he knew how Beckett felt. He knew that the answer she gave was going to change his life, one way or another, and it truly scared him that things might not go the way he wanted. He had the sudden urge to go back and tell her to forget everything he had just said and that they could just go on the way they were. But he was telling the truth when he said he needed to know. The ball was in her court. All he could do now was wait.

**Hours **later, Castle was sitting in the living room with Martha and Alexis filling them in on the ongoing situation.

"That's it?" Martha asked. "You told her that you needed an answer from her and then you walked away before she could answer you? Why? Now how long will we have to wait to find out what she says?"

"I'm so sorry to inconvenience you, mother. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Well, now what are you going to do?"

"Wait, I guess. I don't know."

"You were scared to hear the answer, weren't you, Dad. That's why you walked away."

He looked at his daughter, amazed as always at her ability to read him. "Surprisingly, yes I was, Alexis. I still am. It's hard to explain, but for some reason I just assumed that it was just a matter of time before we became more...involved. I guess it got to the point where I started thinking about us in terms of 'when', not 'if'. But now I have to think of the 'if'. It's scary thinking that the life I expected could change."

Martha jumped when there was a knock at the door. "Uh, oh. My date must be early. I'm not even dressed! Alexis, be a dear and stall him while I go finish getting ready."

Alexis and Castle shared an amused smile. He went and poured himself a drink while Alexis went to let in Martha's latest love interest.

Suddenly, Alexis ran back into the living room. "Dad, it's not Martha's friend at the door. It's Beckett. What do you think she's going to say? What are _you_ going to say? Oh, I can't stand it."

He looked past her. "Where is she?"

"Oh. I guess she's still outside. I got so excited I must have forgotten to let her in. Wait until I tell Ashley what's going on. He's been very concerned about you, you know."

"I think that's a good idea. Why don't you go and call Ashley. Now," he said when she didn't move. She ran up the stairs.

He walked over to the door and opened it. Beckett was standing by the door looking confused. "Hey Castle, can I come in for a minute?"

"Of course, come on in." He opened the door wider and she walked in.

"Is Alexis mad at me again?"

"What? Oh the door. No, she's not mad, she just got, um, distracted. Come on and sit down. Do you want a drink or anything?"

"No. I'm fine." She didn't sit down, choosing instead to stand. She was too nervous to sit.

He stood there watching her. For whatever reason, this was so hard for her and he wished he could make it easier. He walked closer to her and just waited. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she blurted out, "I lied."

He couldn't hold back a smile of relief. "Okay. You lied. I can live with that."

She looked at him. "So, now what?"

He stepped even closer and leaned down and whispered in her ear, "Now we finish where we left off last night." He grabbed the bottom of her sweater. "I think you were just about to..." He stopped and took a step back when he saw the shocked look on her face. "I was just kidding. Sorry. Come on, sit down."

This time she went and sat on the couch. He was still smiling from his joke and her reaction. She, however, looked very serious. "Look, I said I lied. I didn't say I'm ready to jump into a relationship." She sat quietly for a minute. "I don't get it. Why is this so hard for me, Castle?" She shook her head sadly.

"I don't know. But we'll figure it out."

She got up off the couch and went to stand by the window. "It's not that easy. There's something wrong with me. And you can't fix it. You can't write the ending you want like you do in your books."

"Maybe not, but if we talk about, maybe we can figure out why it's so hard. That's why you're here, right? To at least try?"

"I'm here because I don't want to be afraid anymore."

"What are you afraid of? You've had relationships with guys before. What's so different now? What have I done to make you scared of me?"

"That's just it, I don't know. It was just so easy with them. We met, we liked each other, we started dating. And eventually we broke up. At some point it just seemed like there was nowhere else to go."

"Like you hit a wall."

She looked up, surprised. "Yeah, exactly. How did you know?"

"I think that you're afraid that when I hit that wall, I won't let it stop me." The look on her face told him that she recognized the truth in what he had said.

He got up and walked over to where she was standing. "That's it isn't it? With those other guys, you were able to maintain enough of a distance for you to feel safe. You were in control."

She nodded, agreeing with his comment. "You know Castle, when I was a little girl, my mother and I were so close. Don't get me wrong, I was close to my dad, but it wasn't the same. She would take me everywhere with her. Not just the normal mother/daughter dates to get our nails done or go to movies. It was more than that. She would take me out to eat with her and her friends, on errands. Even to work if I didn't have school. We were like two parts of one person. She made me feel so special and safe when I was with her. When she died, a huge part of me died with her. Once the numbness wore off, there was a pain that I can't even begin to describe. It got better, eventually, but it left an empty hole where my mother used to be. I can't imagine having to go through anything like that again. I guess I've been careful not to let anyone get too close, so I won't have to."

She smiled slightly. "But then you came along. Somehow you snuck up on me, Castle. You were just always there. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, someone to lean on, I could always turn to you. You've become someone I trust. My best friend."

They walked back over to the couch and sat down. "But sometimes I feel like you can see too much, like I can't hide."

She lifted her eyes to look at him. "What if I let you in, and something happens? What if-"

"Hey," he interrupted. "Do you think you're the only one here who is scared? I'm scared too. That's why I haven't pushed for more until now. What we have, even just as friends, is bigger than anything I have had before. No other relationship has even come close. I'm scared that if this doesn't work, I'll lose the best friend I've ever had."

He reached over and took her hand. "I am terrified that I will convince you to trust me, and I will screw this up. That I can't be what you need me to be. I would never forgive myself if I hurt you."

"I don't want you having to deal with my baggage, Castle. That's not fair to you."

She stood up, trying to pull her hand away. He refused to let go and pulled her back down onto the couch. She sat down, but chose to focus on their joined hands rather than look him in the eye, letting her hair cover her face as she often did when she wanted to avoid him looking at her too closely. He lifted his hand and gently brushed her hair out of her face. He continued to let his fingers play with the soft curls in her hair while he talked.

"I'm not happy that you had to go through everything that you have had to go through, but I'm grateful for the woman it has made you. Kate, I think you are amazing. Strong, smart and beautiful, inside and out. I wouldn't change a thing about you, even if I could."

She finally looked up at him, tears threatening in her eyes as his words sunk in. "Everyone has baggage, Kate. It doesn't mean you are not worth loving. Just the opposite, actually. I just hope you can trust me enough to give me the chance to prove it to you.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**They** both sat silently. The magnitude of everything that had been said slowly sinking in.

Castle felt emotionally drained from their conversation, and couldn't imagine how Kate must be feeling. He had said everything he could say. If it wasn't enough, then he didn't know what else he could do. He tried to read her expression and figure out what she was thinking, but he couldn't.

Beckett felt so over whelmed. Walking away at this point was not an option. She had walked away so many times already, and she knew that if she did this time it would be for good. Not that she wanted to walk away exactly, but she did wish that she had some time alone to think about everything that he had said. She had known that he cared about her, of course, but had no idea of the depths of his feelings until now. She knew that she would want to remember every word, every feeling.

As she sat there remembering all he had said, the one thing that stood out the most was simply that he wanted her just the way she was. That she wasn't damaged goods. That she was worth loving even with all of her fears and emotional baggage.

The tears that had been threatening to fall finally did. After so many tears of anger, fear and frustration, these were tears of happiness, the first of their kind since her mother's death so many years ago. The wall she had built around herself wasn't gone, she knew better than to think it was that easy, but there were cracks, large ones, and that was enough for now.

When Castle saw her start to cry, he felt like his heart would break. He thought he had said the wrong things after all. He started to apologize, but she stopped him, smiling through her tears. Could this possibly mean what he thought it did? That she was ready to take a chance with him? He searched her eyes and could tell by the way she held his gaze that it did.

He stood up and pulled her up to stand with him. He gently cradled her face in his hands. She held her breath as she waited for him to kiss her. They had kissed before, but this would be their first real kiss for the right reasons and she was anxious to experience it. He slowly leaned down and kissed her cheek. Then he lifted the hair off of her neck and kissed her softly on the tender spot behind her ear before leaving a trail of kisses along the length of her jawline. When he finally got to her mouth, he pulled back, just before their lips met. He looked at her seriously.

"You know," he said. "Maybe we're rushing things. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I mean, this is a big commitment. What if-"

She smiled and grabbed his face. "Shut up, Castle." She could feel his smile against her lips when they finally shared their first kiss and a new beginning.

**The End**


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